Memories

Chapter 4: Rocky

I knew I was making the moment uncomfortable. I noticed her getting up as if she was trying to leave. But then she sat there again perhaps for me. My friends were easily talking to girls. I had tried that before, but I had failed every time. To be honest, there was a time when one girl actually showed her interest in me, but I just backed up as if she would kill me. I mean nothing was wrong with her. She was a perfect girl. No drug addiction, intelligent, friendly, and always happy and smiling. It was just my behavior of getting shy or thinking I would mess up the relationship.

When I had to talk to her, I was waging with my brain and heart instead. My heart was telling me to talk to her while my brain was telling me not to. I know I had to listen to my heart, but I was listening to my brain because my brain was giving me the right signals. The fact is that I have lost many friends for not being extroverted. The truth is that I have a responsibility to pay off the mortgage, car loan, and bills. If I enter a relationship, I will need to take care of her needs and wants as well. It's not that I'm afraid of spending money after a girl. It's just that I don't want to be a loser. I don't want to say no to anything to my future girlfriend ... my future wife.

Let's say I come into a relationship with Sarah if she is ready for it, I would like to complete all her wishes and all her dreams. I do not ever want to see her upset and shattered, not especially because of me.

I'm thinking of all of these already because I have never been in any relationship before. I know I can love her more than anyone else. I'm just naive to understand how the relationship works. I don't ever want to make her feel like I'm too complicated and insecure or jealous and suspicious about her characteristics and our relationship.

I don't want to be that guy who stops his girl from talking to other boys and also moving forward in life to achieve her own dream. I don't want to be a road blocker in her life. I want to be her best friend, best lover, best boyfriend, best mentor, best supporter, and best motivator.

Anyway. I knew I had to push away all my thoughts and start talking to her before time runs out, and she leaves the house.

After about a minute more, I ended all my nuisance thoughts. I forced out my courage and confidence taking a deep breath. Then I asked, "do you enjoy watching TV?"

She looked at me, directly into my eyes to answer the question, "I like watching series and movies. Even ..."

I broke eye contact as I felt nervous. I couldn't look into her eyes for a long.

"... more specifically series and movies based on books. The only reason is I love reading books."

"Do you like this series?" I asked.

"Yes. I have watched almost all series from two thousand fifteen," she said. "And this one is one of my favorites."

I felt a little bit nervous as a thought rushed into my brain I'm way too behind watching TV, and I don't enjoy reading books.

I expected a question back from her, but she was busy texting her friends. I wanted to ask her another question, but I went blank as I didn't know what to ask next. Once I noticed her looking at me from the corner of her eye. At that moment I felt like she was trying to judge me or already had judged me.

I tried hard to come up with the next question. A question she might find amusing enough to continue the conversation with me. Yet, I couldn't come up with anything better than ...

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

She looked at me for a moment like I was a demon with ten heads. Then she said, "No. I'm single. I hate boys."

"Why, if you don't mind?"

"They just want to use girls to complete their sexual desires."

"Have you ever had sex before?" She stared at me, narrowing her eyes as if I had surprised her with my question. That is when I began to lose my confidence again. "I, I mean-n is there any boy who has used you and-and made you think boys are not good and only care for sex? They don't care for love?"

She stayed quiet as if she was thinking something. Then she craned her neck to me and said in a whisper, "Let me tell you the truth. Believe me, I don't know why I'm saying this to you. Why do I want to trust you this easily? But it's between only you and me. Do NOT ever dare to tell this to my mom."

"Don't worry. It will be a top-secret," I said. It's a different matter I was feeling uncomfortable, shy, and frightened because my feelings were forcing me to kiss her. Her fragrance already had spread over my senses, but now her breath also smelled so beautiful like mint that I felt like I was fading out.

"I have had sex with many boys. I have been into hookups and short-term relationships as well. But that is not what I want for sure for my entire life. I want to settle down with a decent guy. The guy who respects others regardless of their standards, who stays in the family, and more importantly who has the courage to show his love to me anytime and anywhere."

She backed away and set her again on her seat and continued texting. However, I at least knew what kind of boy she wanted. All I had to improve was my courage to express my feelings to her. It was clear I can get her, but I had to work hard to prevent my diffidence, and for that, I must start socializing.

Now when I was feeling somewhat confident to ask her anything. I asked away in a whisper, "if you don't mind, how many boys have you slept with?"

She looked at me as if I made her angry with my question.

She slid to me and pulled me near her mouth with the collar of my t-shirt. I began to get anxious as our breaths mingled every second, and also as I had no chance to break eye contact with her. Her beautiful blue eyes seemed like hypnotizing me. I wanted to keep looking into them, but at the same time, my anxiety was forcing me to look away.

"I don't count," she said through gritted teeth. "And why are you interested in knowing if I'm single, if I had sex before, and how many boys I have slept with? It's none of your business."

As our eyes stayed locked for a little longer, my lips were slightly fluttering to have a taste of her lips. I did my best to suppress my feelings to prevent myself from kissing her, but this was a perfect chance for me to tell her. I gulped down saliva to allow myself some time to gather up the courage.

"I. I think I like you," I said. "I heard-d how you take care of your mom and her feelings, and that made me-me think you are the one I was looking for."

Her grip on my collars slightly loosened as if she was shocked hearing my words.

"I don't care about your past. It's just," I said, "it's just I have never been into any relationship before because I'm a shy guy. Yet, when I saw you, I decided I would do anything to change myself ... if you are the girl I was looking for, all this time."

She stayed quiet. My heartbeat was beating unrhythmically as I didn't know if I was doing it right or wrong at the moment.

"I think to have you in my life, all I need to do is be a wild, confident, and courageous guy."

As her breath was mingling with mine, I felt her heartbeat running like mine. It helped me understand I was going on the right path.

"All I need is your help," I said, "if you also like me. I promise to try my best to bring all the happiness to you before you may even ask."

Not even a second delayed, she let her lips meet mine. I couldn't understand what just happened. I remained the same in my seat, only my eyes widened in surprise. It wasn't an ordinary first-time kiss. Having her lips on mine made me kiss her back. Slowly we were lost in each other ... now our tongues enjoyed tasting each other. We didn't want to stop. We pulled each other closer; she lay on the sofa, and I was on top of her.

We kissed, and kissed, and kissed ...

It was the best of the best of the best of the best ... more than a heavenly moment for me, I would say. My lips were lucky to meet hers, and my tongue was happy with hers. She was delicious.