Wide awake

Chapter Fifty Six. Secretive Sandies

B.P.O.V

The sounds of a purposeless and soothing jazz number floated through the lobby of Dr. Carmen’s office. It was fairly early, the sun’s rays still shining intensely through the large window beside the entrance. I rubbed at my eyes with the sleeves of my hoodie and grimaced, my leg bobbing up and down. The wait was excruciating. I strained my ears to hear something, longed for x-ray vision, or some kind of superhuman hearing, but I caught nothing. Not a murmur or muffled voice. Just the generic jazz music. 

I felt trapped inside The Weather Channel’s local forecast. 

I tugged at my sleeves and lolled my head back, my restlessness seeming to annoy the blond receptionist. Fuck her. She spent way too much time reading gossip magazines. The plastic chairs, curved and modern and designed for comfort, made my bones ache. My eyes fixed to the knob of her door, willing it to open and for Edward to emerge, smiling. 

Dr. Carmen had not let me join them when Edward and I came in that morning. I’d actually sat myself on the sofa in her office beside him, expecting to be present during their discussion. But Dr. Carmen had walked in and promptly kicked me out.  Some crap about "honesty being easier between two" and "three being a crowd." 

I’d been rather upset about her dismissal, looking to Edward for support, but instead, I found him to be just… accepting.

Maybe he had wanted to speak to her alone all along. 

I couldn’t locate the source of my anxiety over the meeting. I was worried about Edward disliking Carmen, of this fear I was certain. There was nothing I wanted more than his full support, and that was already shaky at best. I felt as though their conversation this morning would shape his impression of therapy in general. I had more reasons than my own to hope he emerged with a positive one.

Conversely, I wanted Carmen to like Edward. I feared that she would see something in him that would force her to discourage our relationship. Already over the past week, she had offered more relationship advice than I could stomach at times. She wanted me to, "Chill out, and let it happen," and "Find out what he's looking for before I 'jumped the gun.'" (She'd winked with that one.) She wanted us to "Build the kind of trust and comfort that made us admit to gross and horrible things," and "Look out for 'number-one' before I let 'number-two' make us a 'three.'" Whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. She wanted me to learn from our "Many, many,many screw-ups during our time swimming in the river of de'Nile," and use that wisdom to "'Get' what a relationship is really meant to be." She wanted me to "Be open, even if it makes me look like a sappy, girly moron," and give him time to "Adjust to Cullen life, and the overload of estrogen in his once testosterone-filled household."

She wanted me to be "Patient."

Fuck patience. I thought bitterly. 

Patience was obviously necessary, but living with Edward wasn’t nearly as glamorous as I’d once dreamed. There was this invisible wall separating us that was only dropped in private, and even then, only partially. I wondered how long I’d be forced to tap on it before that wall would finally fall and we could be "us" again. I couldn’t decide who was even responsible for its presence. I was probably still a little skeptical about the depth of Edward's commitment, but he had his own reservations, whatever they were. How wrong was it of me to just want everything to be perfect for once? I filed this question away for a later discussion with Carmen or Carlisle, or even Edward if the time was right. 

This last week had been awkward to say the least. Edward and I had put our reconnecting on hold for his return to school. He’d been swamped with all of the make-up assignments and had agreed to let me help but only after a very long argument. Thus, we’d wake up, get dressed in separate bedrooms, go downstairs and eat with Alice, Esme, and Carlisle, and I’d ride to school with Alice while he’d pick up Jasper. When we’d arrive, Alice and I would part ways while Edward walked me to class. It was mostly as it had been before, with minor deviations.