Wide awake

Chapter Fifty. Nilla Wafers Part 2

B.P.O.V

I sighed as I leaned my head back against the chair. Alice and I did spend more time together now, but not as much as we used to. She wouldn't make me talk about Edward or his mother and usually kept our interactions light-hearted and sisterly. I feared I was taking her companionship for granted, and the notion pained me.

Another startling issue that had come to fester over the months was my total lack of human touch. No one touched me, because men couldn't and women didn't think about things like that. I'd had this issue before Forks, before Edward, but now that I knew what it was like to feel real, honest affection, I knew what I was missing and I craved it. Alice hugged me maybe once every week or so when her enthusiasm merited it, but how was she to know that I was being starved of all contact? She couldn't have known something like that, and I found myself doing unusual things when she was present: grabbing her hand, brushing her shoulder with mine, or just generally touching something with a pulse for once. She never questioned my casual and affectionate gestures, but I was afraid I'd start creeping her out soon. People just don't realize how vital the human touch can be. Edward used to touch me affectionately every day. I could feel the warmth of his love and the comfort of his tenderness through his electric flesh. Now I was entirely void of affection, and it made me feel less than human-completely intangible, like I'd somehow become the wayward ghost that haunted the shadow of his space.

"But you did stay," Dr. Carmen clarified, and I nodded in response. She seemed confused, so I elaborated with a shamed face, "I just couldn't bring myself to leave." Alice kept trying to subdue with my guilt with assurances that she and Esme weren't staying for my sake alone. She insisted that Esme liked staying with Carlisle, and Alice enjoyed her enjoyment. She also enjoyed the extravagant bathroom attached to the guestroom, and I was pretty certain that she was making plans to redecorate… everything.

She hummed in contemplation and crossed her legs under the desk while she wrote. "You use the word 'alienation.' That's an odd feeling. What about this Rose you spoke of before? Aren't you close to her?" she asked without meeting my gaze, and I swallowed tightly.

The throbbing in my chest grew for a split second and I frowned deeply at my muddy shoes. "I was," I whispered in a strained voice before clearing my throat and explaining, "She and Emmett left for college two weeks ago." They'd wanted to get a head start on settling into their off campus housing at WU. They were both so excited to go…

"Can I help?" I whispered tentatively from Emmett's doorway as he and Rose put clothes into a large cardboard box. Emmett's gaze lurched to mine and widened in surprise. I had never made any effort to approach him inside of the house, but I didn't want to do it alone. Rose was here now, so I was comfortable enough to at least offer my helping hand. 

Emmett grinned widely and straightened from his crouch, crossing his arms over his broad chest. "Hmm, I'm not sure I'd be copacetic with you throwing out my nudey mags too." He gazed at me pointedly before emitting a soft chuckle and resuming his position.

My fidgeting fingers went to my hoodie sleeves. "You saw that, huh?" I grimaced as my cheeks burned with embarrassment that he had seen Edward's pornographic magazines in the waste basket. Rosalie simply rolled her eyes as she began packing away baseball paraphernalia. 

"See, Bella, there are certain rules when living in a man's space," he began with a serious tone, and I wrapped my arms around my torso as it throbbed and ached with the emptiness of knowing that I really didn't live in Edward's space. I just lived in the shadowy impression of it. "Listen closely, Rosie babe," he added with a sideways glance in her direction. She ignored him as she packed another box and Emmett continued, "Men hold specific things sacred: porn, the remote-control, the non-existence of tampons, porn," he accentuated with a glare at me and continued, "alcoholic beverages, and for the love of God, Bella…" he trailed off and straightened from his crouch with a firm stare. "Never ever fuck with a man's porn," he finished disapprovingly.