Wide awake

Chapter Thirty. Brownie Drop Defeats

B.P.O.V

The meadow was silent for a long moment while I gazed out at the grass blowing in the wind. It just pissed me off even more. All Edward…we…wanted was one day away from all of this. Away from bad memories and pressure and just… crap. No matter how far I ran or how normal I thought I felt, it was always there, just waiting for me to experience one moment of happiness so it could laugh in my face.

Edward sighed from beside me, but I didn’t look at him. I didn’t want my bitterness directed at him. “I didn’t fucking mean it like that, Bella. I promise.” He whispered forlornly. And of course, he may not have intentionally meant to say it, but it was in the back of his head. Because it was the truth. I could live in denial all I wanted, but it would never change the fact that I wasn’t normal.

I pushed and shoved it all aside the best I could as I turned to shrug at him with a smile. I couldn’t blame Edward for any of it. It was just a fact of my life.

His green eyes looked sad and remorseful as he gazed at my, incredibly forced smile. “You know, that shit doesn’t matter to me.” He whispered as he stroked my hand lovingly. Accepting.

And I just smiled back. I ruined the day, and all I really wanted was to go home and wallow in my own misery and embarrassment for a few hours. Edward seemed to sense this as he stood up from the ground and held his hand out to me.

I got cold as we walked back to the riverfront, and Edward gave me his jacket. I was wondering if that wasn’t the only reason he wore it in the first place. And the thought just made me feel impossibly worse. Because he was always trying to make me comfortable and avoid crap like this. And now he thought I wasn’t ready, that the episode had proved him right, and the chances of him touching me like that again were so small it made me want to growl in frustration. My own broken traitor mind was battling with my heart, instincts, wants, and desires. And just like always, it beat me.

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He said he loved me in the gazebo afterwards. He showed it when he looked into my eyes and caressed my hand. And I caressed his as I told him I loved him back, the one with the ring on it. Because I did love him. And I wanted to yell it into my own head so that it would see; there was nothing to be scared of.

When he kissed me that night at his balcony door, I was pushy. Silently begging him to just try it again, and maybe this time would be different. But he wouldn’t do it. He told me he loved me again before he went to sleep, and he showed it in his loving caresses as I stroked his hair and hummed to him.

School was school. Stares and whispers and snickers directed at the very thing I hated about myself more in that moment than any other. And Edward was there. Walking with me and making me feel better with his electricity as he glared at all the people and took me to every class. At lunch I let my hood down, because he liked it. Afterwards he leaned into my hair and whispered in my ear that he loved me. And he showed it when he stroked my hair and caressed my neck. We sat in front of Alice and Jasper and watched them talk and behave like a normal happy couple.

He held my hand in Biology, under the table so that no one would stare. And as we stood in front of the gym doors, he kissed me softly on the cheek and told me he loved me again, showing it to me right in front of Stanley and all her witches, and not paying one second of attention to them.

I listened when they talked and gossiped. I didn’t usually do that in the locker room when I hid to dress out. But I was still feeling bitter, and figured that at least I could live vicariously through the very person who Edward could touch, and did. Probably quite thoroughly.

James avoided any and all eye contact with me, just like Friday. I think I probably scared the crap out of him, but I couldn’t really seem to care. Something about the bruise on my nose just fueled the bitterness.