Wide awake

Chapter Thirty Seven. Poppy Dipped Darkness

B.P.O.V

Hours passed torturously as I lied in my bed crying. It was only the second time ever I had actually laid in it. It was uncomfortable. Plushy and full and warm and just… awful.

I wanted Edward’s bed.

I knew every lump and spring in that mattress and how to lay on it just the right way so that my hip bone wouldn’t dig into the bed uncomfortably. But with mine, it didn’t matter where I laid on it. I tried the left side and the right side, but… Edward and I didn’t have ‘sides’ of the bed. We both met in the middle. And now I was lying in the middle of mine and trying to just… imagine him right there beside me.

It wasn’t working.

Sometime during the morning the sunlight had eventually filtered through the window, but it still felt so dark. And quiet. Eerily quiet.

I couldn’t hear anything else in the house because my room was separated from the living space. Close to the kitchen that I wasn’t allowed into after nine at night anymore. I was supposed to be in this awful room after that time. Locked away in the dark and the quiet and longing for another room and another bed that felt so close, yet so far away.

Hours and hours passed, and I didn’t have a clock, but I could feel the seconds ticking away and the sun beginning to set as evening fell. I stayed under the blankets and even though my bladder was screaming at me, I was irrationally afraid to uncover my head.

After what felt like hours, I heard a soft rap on my door.

But I didn’t call out and I didn’t get up. Part of me was just being spiteful and angry over the non-punishments. But another, possibly far more significant, part of me was just scared. I didn’t know what I was scared of, because I knew that this room was fundamentally safe for me. But I couldn’t shake the absolute feeling of unease at the thought of rising from the warm spot my body heat had created under the safe cover of the blanket.

Whoever knocked eventually left without entering the obscurity of the room.

I had to pee… so badly that I was rocking under the blanket and squeezing my legs shut, but I could feel the dark and I didn’t want to venture into it.

Time passed and no one came to check on me or ask me if I was okay after that first attempt. It made me furious and it made me relieved. I figured if I was being forced to stay in this room, then I should be able to wallow and cower in solace.

I did.

Wallow.

Cower.

Alone.

While I lay under the blankets I began wishing for Monday. Esme couldn’t stop me from seeing Edward at school, surely. Then I remembered how she had given instructions to the school administration. That Edward could tend to me in the event of an emergency. Then I worried and panicked that such permission could be rescinded. I had no idea how far she was willing to take this whole thing.

I spent my time trying to put the pieces together in my head, mostly trying to figure out how Edward and I could still make this work. Thinking about those things allowed my attention to remain away from the fact my bladder was painfully distended… and the fact that the room had become entirely dark from above the covers.

I think I was trembling?

Shuddering?

Crying?

It was so dark and quiet, and just when I though I might go absolutely insane lying in this foreign bed, I heard a tap on glass. It made a high pitched shriek escape my mouth as my hands went to my hair and I pulled. Curled up tighter. Rocked harder.