Wide awake

Chapter Fifty Two. Monumental Macaroons Part 1

E.P.O.V

It took me thirty three hours of continual driving to reach the Fork's city limit. I didn't sleep or eat, and I only stopped to get gas when it was absolutely necessary. I probably violated every speed restriction in the process, but I couldn't be bothered by such trivialities. 

The drive was unlike the one to Chicago I'd made four months earlier. Then, no matter how much I'd tried to convince myself otherwise, I'd been running away from something: from Bella and what we'd done to one another, from Carlisle, from Alice and Esme when they 'd found out-from every last one of my fuck-ups. But on this drive, I was running toward something and leaving something else behind. With every mile I put between my mother and me, I felt the portion of my soul devoted to her screaming in protest. In return, the part of my soul that needed mending-the part reserved for Bella, Carlisle, and everyone else-that part of my soul buzzed with impatience to rush to Forks.

The two conflicting sensations were warring with my every emotion, and I found it impossible to be either eager or grief-stricken for more than a minute at any given time. It was a lot like being pushed toward the west while being pulled toward the east. If I hadn't already made up my mind, I might have turned around. 

When I finally arrived in Forks, I was a fucking mess of nerves. My mind had been so one-tracked during the drive that I hadn't even stopped to consider the time of day in which I'd be arriving. It was only eight in the morning, which meant that everyone would be at either work or school. 

As I approached the familiar road that led to the white mansion-like home, I began scrutinizing every fern and domestic flora of the neighborhood for changes. There really wasn't much to take note of except that the trees now had leaves and needles. When I'd left, everything had been bare and just scarcely sprouting for the spring. Now it was lush, and even though the impending autumn was already beginning to take the leaves, it appeared lively and verdant. 

I was getting sentimental over motherfucking foliage.

A self-depreciating smile tugged at my lips as I rounded the last corner and brought the house into view. But my eyes never had the opportunity to fully scrutinize it, because when I saw the Brandons' front lawn, my foot slammed on the brake and screeched the Volvo to a sudden halt in the middle of the gravelly road. 

I was overcome with terror that I was too late and… shit. It was only just beginning to hit me as I gripped my steering wheel and gazed at the large "For Sale" sign on Bella's lawn that… it was entirely fucking possible that I'd never be able to get her back. It was the first time I'd ever allowed myself to really consider what I'd done to her. 

From Bella's perspective, I'd… run away? Could she think that? Would she be wrong? The remembrance of that final day and what I had done hit me with a crushing blow of horror. I hadn't had the time in Chicago to consider it all fully because I was so occupied with my mother, but now… now it seemed like the most significant thing ever. Not only did I leave, and not only had she completely understood and had been supportive of my choice, but I'd broken the promise to return and had never even really kept in touch. I couldn't even bring myself to conceive the possibilities of how she likely felt about me now - of how she likely believed I felt about her. 

Christ, I'd really made a cluster-fuck of everything.

Just as I was beginning to indulge myself in a really fucking horrendous meltdown full of self-loathing and regret, movement from the house next door caught my eye. I shifted my gaze to see a blonde head emerging from the door as Carlisle reached down to retrieve a newspaper. He didn't even glance up as he stepped back inside and closed the door. I was reminded that Carlisle could probably tell me where Esme and the girls had gone. It wasn't over, yet. I'd tracked my mother across the country. I could easily do the same for Bella. First, I had to get my shit together and face him, so I started toward the house and eased into the driveway.