Wide awake

Chapter Eighteen Rocky Road Reprieve

B.P.O.V

Phoenix hadn’t changed one bit. It was still dead and dry, just like I’d remembered. It was so fitting. I wondered, as Mrs. Lancaster drove me from the airport to the hotel I’d be staying at, how I ever loved this place so much. Everything seemed so shriveled and cracked. Every road and landmark ghosts of a distant and painful past.

I clutched Edward’s sketchbook to my chest the whole flight, and the whole drive to the hotel, keeping my hood up and my head down. I missed the smaller population of Forks. The city was bustling and teeming with greedy, dirty people that I just wanted to run away from.

My hotel room was bright and cheery, decorated in dry pastels that made me feel thirsty. Everything was wrapped in sanitary single servings that seemed rather metaphoric. The room had a closet that I didn’t even open. I packed my suitcase away under my bed after Mrs. Lancaster left. I spent that first night in the bathroom, away from the dark closet, lying in the bathtub in the pajamas I had packed away at the last second and browsing through Edward’s sketchbook with his scent surrounding me.

I would run my fingers over the fine indentations from the pencil, and it almost felt like he was somehow closer than he actually was. He always drew me smiling. There were little grins, tiny half smiles, and smirks. Then there were big grins. I noticed the date of our first kiss on one of me with a big goofy grin on my face. I smiled automatically thinking of it. I looked stupid, but he always drew me beautifully.

It was confusing. And I didn’t really understand where I fit in amongst the pages of all the people he had loved and lost. He called me ‘My Girl’ in every page that held my face. But I couldn’t understand why, or in what context. I was so afraid to hope. I didn’t know what love was, or if I was even capable of feeling something so good and pure. But I did know that whatever it was I felt for Edward was as close I’d probably ever get to it. And I had no idea how he felt about me, or if he was even capable of it either.

The second day was long, full of briefings filled to the heap with lawyers. I was already tired. I had to give the lawyers their credit. They worked overtime to make me comfortable, never letting the male lawyers and investigators in the same room with me. It must have been quite the task. I was thankful they knew so much regarding my situation. I couldn’t handle any more stress than was already put on me.

By the third day, the exhaustion was already getting to me. I could see my circles reappearing. Mrs. Lancaster was concerned, but I refused medical treatment. I had to re tell the same story over and over for the lawyers and examiners. I worked to remain numb. Relaying the story with as little emotion as possible. I could tell they wanted more. More emotion, more feeling, more tears. But I was saving it. I was saving it for the day where I could stand up and tell the whole story to the real people that mattered. Any sooner, and I would be useless.

I sat in the cold white porcelain bathtub every night, eating my daily bag of cookies, and hoping Edward was eating his too. I’d still wear the pajamas, and I would always look through the sketchbook, memorizing his mother and father. Picking out small details and features that they had given to Edward. His mother’s nose. His father’s hair. His mother’s eyebrows. His father’s strong jaw.

And I really, really tried to look at his mother and admire her, but I just couldn’t. She ruined Edward. Threw him out and abandoned him like a used rag. It infuriated me. I probably had no right. I knew that Edward told carefully crafted half truths when it came to her. I knew there was more. I just couldn’t seem to find any reason acceptable. So I knew one didn’t exist.

I spent day after day in a cushy leather office. Drinking steaming coffee and being scrutinized by every highly paid professional the state could find. It was awful. All I wanted was to get it over with and go home. Go giggle with Alice, Go see Edward. Go sleep. Go smile again.