Wide awake

Chapter Nineteen Cocoa Hidden Middles

B.P.O.V.

When Esme pulled up to the Sea-Tac airport, it was already almost dark out. She pulled me into a huge hug, telling me ridiculous things like how proud she was of me, and asking me if I was okay. I was thinking my physical appearance probably hadn’t faired very well. She let me go with a big kiss and tears in her eyes. And I really tried to smile at her, but I don’t really think I managed it completely. She seemed to understand,

Every mile we got closer to Forks, I grew more tired. My eyelids were heavy from not sleeping, and so many tears I didn’t have any left. I pulled down the visor mirror to look at my eyes for the first time in days. It was bad. They were swollen underneath, and a dark purple that went all the way around my bloodshot eyes. I looked awful.

Esme kept glancing at me sideways and telling me about all the things I had missed while I was away. She was worried. And I wished I could have reassured her in some way that I was okay. But I just couldn’t. So I laid my head back on the seat and just watched all the trees blur by while she talked.

When we pulled up to the house, I didn’t look at it first. I looked at the Cullen mansion. I couldn’t see Edward’s window from the front, but the entire house was still lit up. It was barely eight. I slowly dragged myself out of the car, trying to slam the door, but only having the strength for a small click. Esme grabbed my suitcase and walked in while I trudged behind her heavily with my hood up and my head down.

It was a Friday, and Alice was waiting for me in the kitchen, bouncing up and down with an enthusiasm that almost made me want to smile. Almost. Unfortunately, when she took one glance at my face, her smile died and fell. I hated that I was the one to kill her enthusiasm. She was all dressed up, and I quirked an eyebrow at her provocative dress.

She cleared her throat daintily. “I have a date.” She chirped, trying to smile at me genuinely, but I could still see the concern in her eyes.

I rolled my eyes. “Jasper?” I rasped, flinching at the sound of my rough voice. Her smile fell more before she attempted to perk it back up and nod. I let out a very unauthentic chuckle that just sounded empty. But it was the best I could do.

Alice threw herself at me, nearly knocking me over with a hug I didn’t think her size capable of. I hugged her back, and sent her my best smile, taking my suitcase to my room. But it was dark, and I didn’t want to go in, so I just shoved it through the doorway and closed the door again.

I dragged my feet to the kitchen, deciding I would just really like to cook something again. Esme and Alice sat at the island and watched me cook, telling me about how they heated up all the food I made and how good it was.

I got that same feeling as when I first moved here. Like everyone was walking on egg shells around me, trying not to upset me. I hated it. I loved it.

I kept stealing glances out the kitchen window at the big white gazebo. For some reason expecting to see him out there. Which was really stupid. I began wondering if he would be okay if I came tonight at ten like always. If he was anywhere near as tired as I was.

“Esme” I rasped, turning around to face her sitting in a stool. She met my gaze, so I continue, clearing my sore throat softly. “I’m going to the library early tomorrow to look for some books.” I crafted an alibi just in case everything went perfect. “So I might be gone by the time you wake up. And I probably won’t be home until afternoon” I croaked. My voice was still scratchy and sounded as awful as I felt.

She nodded at me with a sweet smile. I hated lying to Esme, but at the moment, I couldn’t really care. Alice left at nine to go meet up with Jasper, and I began baking cookies after Esme went to bed. Cocoa Hidden Middles. The hidden middle was minty cream.