My Lost Light

Chapter 19: Sashida Ruisaya

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"Liar!" Kokoro yelled.

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"You're just a liar!" Kokoro yells.

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I really wish I could say I was. I wish I could believe that this- this was the life I deserved. I'm glad I got to experience it even for a short period of time.

My parents always expected the most out of me. Best grades, being athletic, just the perfect child. Though I took no interest in that stuff. While my grades in school were actually good. It was never on purpose I barely even tried. Actually, my interest was piqued into computers. I wanted to build electronics of all sorts. Hack into systems to see how good I was. Though my parents weren't satisfied because all I did was stay inside really. My parents didn't take it lightly either. The names I was called, "disappointment", "outcast", "loser", "nuisance", pretty much every name in the book. I hated living there. I hated being in an environment where I was stuck. The word freedom was never in my vocabulary, never in the dictionaries I picked up, nowhere to be seen. I ran away. That's of course when I started to do hacking for a living. I survived on my own that way. I learned martial arts, and tons of combat skills needed for special hacking missions. I was always a good hacker. I was then recruited by the agency. The agency was a scary place. I left to learn the word "freedom" but even after leaving I was just trapped again. I longed for a life of freedom and happiness. People who I could laugh and be myself around. People who I could understand. People who understood me. The times I've had to do awful things, I couldn't help but feel remorse for them. When given the mission to go undercover, I had to do it. Though I regret it, I would've rather died than did it. I mean I guess either way I would end up dead. I would be happy but only if I didn't hurt the people who I wanted to call friends in the end. I would go back in time and refuse till they just killed me, if I didn't have to betray such amazing people. I've experienced so much. I felt happy, I felt free. Being with them was everything I ever longed for and more. I wish we could've stayed like that forever. Though a hacker like me doesn't deserve happiness, freedom, a life. I don't deserve anything but to be left in the shadows to die. Meeting Senshi, I feel like we could relate to each other. Being from the same agency we could understand the pains we've gone through. Though Senshi was a person that hid everything. Kenji, he's a positive one, he seems to bring out the best in everyone. He's always felt like someone I could trust with my life. He has the ability to change people. Then Kokoro, though she's kind of stupid she's reliable. She knows how to brighten the mood in many kinds of situations. I think if anything I'm probably the closest to her, she's like a sister to me. Though that small time of fun is all over. I've lost what friendship we had. It was nice to at least experience some sort of fun life.

"I didn't deserve being with you guys for the small time I got to be. Though during that time, I felt more alive than ever. I wanted to thank you guys for that. I don't want to work for this damned agency anymore. I don't want to cause any more pain. I don't want to live like this. That's why I'll end it all here. Thanks for everything. Don't you dare let the name Sashida Ruisaya die, okay? Even if you only say bad things about me, keep me even in the back of your mind." I take out a gun and hold it up to my head. In the end I couldn't find it in me to myself a slow and painful death.

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I won't make it in time!

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Please don't!

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No! No! Absolutely not! Not again! I can't let another person die! I'll save them! Even if it can't make up for not being able to save you!