What Remains

Chapter 6

+The next day when the group boarded the SUV, Alejandro noticed that Yuna got in the front passenger seat beside the driver. When she turned around to greet everyone, he saw that her eyes were puffy, and her skin was blotched with pink spots. She had been crying, undoubtedly.

Alex felt sorry. He truly did. Despite still believing that he was correct in stopping her, he knew that he had hurt her and caused her to feel shame about her own sexual expression. He knew he had to find a way to talk to her. He hoped that he could somehow bring her some comfort.

As they toured the Seoul Museum of Art, Yuna kept her distance from Alejandro. He tried to catch her eye several times, but she refused to look at him. The entire day, he felt a bit sick to his stomach with regret for having hurt her.

When they arrived back at the dorms, he managed to catch her right before she ducked into her room.

"Yuna, hey --- hey, wait a second. I need to talk to you," he said. He didn't reach out to grab her arm as many men might have. He didn't want her to feel cornered or trapped.

"What do you need?" she asked in an all-business tone.

"Me? Nothing. I don't need anything. I just wanted to apologize for last night," he ventured.

"It's whatever," Yuna said dryly. "Just forget about it," she added.

"No, I can't forget about it," he persisted. "I realize I tripped off a shame spiral in you and that was not my intention at all. I never meant to make you feel ashamed of your sexual expression. If you give me a chance, I think I can explain my thought process to you," he concluded.

So, several minutes later, they sat in a nearby coffee shop, sipping on vanilla lattes. Yuna was silent. She just didn't know how to explain what had happened to her the night before. All she knew was that one minute she was fine and the next, she felt like she wanted to be swallowed up by the ground beneath her. Seeing that Yuna wasn't keen to speak first, Alejandro dove right in.

"May I tell you a story?" he asked, repositioning a rogue ringlet that was blocking his left eye.

"Go ahead," she answered cautiously.

"So, I don't know if you know this, but Spanish TV is really insane," he began. When she remained silent, he proceeded. "Yeah, so, one day I was watching a real-life court show. There was a guy on there who accidentally killed a girl while she was --- you know," he said, not wanting to actually say the words.

"How did he kill her?" Yuna asked, incredulous.

"I'm not sure, but I guess she choked to death. Anyway, the worst part is that her sister did the same thing with this guy even after it had killed her sister. And the sister ended up having a stroke due to lack of oxygen," he said.

Yuna looked at him quizzically. "Are you for real?" she questioned.

Alejandro held up his right hand. "I swear! This was a real court case!" he defended. "But what really struck me was that the sister didn't regret having done that and ending up permanently disabled from it. She was still convinced that she would do it again. I couldn't understand how someone could claim to want to do something that would hurt their own body," he summed up.

"You do know that people do that every day, all over the world, and they are not all dead or disabled?" Yuna argued. "It sounds like this guy was some kind of a crazy person. But you're not like that. You wouldn't have hurt me," she explained.

"Of course not," Alejandro replied. "But I guess, ever since I saw that show, I've been doing a lot of thinking about internalized sexism. I think women are conditioned to want what men say they should want. And some women confuse violence with passion," he added. "When I saw that video of you in ITZY, I realized that you had been sexualized as a minor and that it was very possible that you had internalized some of that. I just didn't want to be the person who continued to throw gasoline on that fire," he concluded.

"But don't you think it's my decision if something is right or wrong for me?" she asked pointedly.

"I mean, yeah, usually. The only thing is that I think the fact that your childhood was stolen from you does have some effect on your ability to make the right choices for yourself," he explained.

"But, in the end, isn't that my problem?" Yuna asked.

"Yeah, it is," he answered. "You know, my name means 'guardian of mankind'. So, I guess sometimes I fancy myself as the protector of everyone around me. I never ask if I am my brother's keeper. I just assume I am," he said with a laugh.

"I mean, now that you explain it, I can see where you were coming from," Yuna admitted.

"Maybe the lesson here is that I watch too much insane Spanish TV," Alejandro joked. "But seriously, I realize that what I said and did sparked a crisis of shame in you, and I never, ever meant to do that," he added.

"Yeah, I guess shame was the feeling I had. I just wanted to disappear. I felt rejected and unwanted," Yuna admitted.

"And I would never want you to feel that way," Alex repeated. "But you know, a lot of people think that the opposite of shame is pride. Like, if you are feeling shame, all you need is to find your pride and feel that instead. But I'm coming to believe that the opposite of shame is not pride at all, but rather humility."

Yuna looked perplexed. "What I'm saying," he continued, "is that instead of seeking to raise ourselves up in pride so as to combat shame, it would be better to come from a fairly low place in which we can believe that we are no better or worse than anyone else. Everyone is screwed up. Everyone," he repeated".

"So, you think you're screwed up too?" Yuna asked.

"Absolutely," he agreed. "I'm just like everyone else."

"So, can we still start a relationship?" she inquired as she took a sip of coffee.

"I think we can, but I think we need to take a step back and start slower. It would be good to address some of the ways in which being in ITZY changed your perspective on the world. I have a few ideas of some things we could do that might help," he ventured.

"Like what?" Yuna asked, intrigued.

"Uh, let me get back to you on that," Alex stalled. "I want to do some research first before I steer you the wrong way," he added.

"Ah, right, ever the cautious one," Yuna teased.

"It's what I do," he replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

When he got back to the dorm, he took a shower and went to bed. His roommates were still out even though it was quite late. He hoped to get to sleep before they came back, but it wasn't to be. His mind was still spinning over his sister's revelation that she was leaving home imminently. He felt a bit hurt that it seemed like he felt more responsibility toward his mom than Abigail did, but he tried to silence that thought, remembering that she had shared that responsibility with him for many years. Now, she was facing it alone. And clearly, it was too much for her.