Find Me ~ Lando Norris

XVII

WARNING!

On the way to the hotel I thought to myself that I'm not ready to go back to work yet. The last I heard from McLaren was the day after the Australian Grand Prix when I presented Zak with my resignation, but he refused to accept it and gave me the option to take whatever time I needed to think about resigning and come back to work when I was ready, I wondered why he was doing this, it was easier for him to fired me and save himself the headache, there are thousands of people out there desperate to take my place in the company. My first thought was that this driver had something to do with Zak not wanting to accept my resignation, but then the McLaren boss confessed that he investigated my life and that I was alone, I had no family and no one to be with and that this job was all I had, he also said that he appreciated me like a daughter, great my boss feels sorry for me and for that reason he didn't accept my resignation. I don't doubt my boss's words but I think that's not the real reason. I finally accepted the deal with Zak and told him that in a couple of months I would be back to work, after all McLaren is a prestigious team that has been in the industry for decades and we must maintain a good image.
The first week after Australia I was in my flat in London but then I panicked when I thought maybe he might turn up on my doorstep wanting to talk about what happened and honestly I wasn't prepared for that and even now I'm not, I didn't want the girls to find me either, They called me at least fifty times each during that week but I really didn't want to see anyone that reminded me of him, so I turned off my phone and decided to change the location and took the first flight the next day to Monaco, I know that if I want to live the crazy life, that's the place.
I went into my hotel room, took off my heels and went to the bathroom, I opened the spouts so the bathtub would fill with water, I took off my dress and washed my face in the sink, my mascara was smeared all over my eyes, I rested my hands on the counter and took a minute to look at myself in the mirror. My body was pale, my bones could be seen sticking out of my skin, I couldn't remember the last time I ate anything, my hair was a mess, my dark circles under my eyes were blacker than usual. I hate the person I see in the mirror, she is so weak, she never had the courage to face her fears and fight for what she really wanted, she deserved all the shit in this world because she never knew how to take care of herself, not even more than three years ago when that man walked into the bar where she works and raped her and beat her until he left her lying on the floor with nothing else to take from her, not even almost two months ago when she let that driver take everything from her after what it means to have sex again when you were sexually abused, but he is guilty? He didn't know, but I did and yet I trusted that man by opening my heart, letting him do with me what he wanted but he betrayed me by staring at my scars, the first man I fell in love with drove a dagger deep into my heart.
The tears soon came, I cried so hard that my face hurt from the pain in every sob.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU" I screamed at the top of my lungs at the person in the reflection of the mirror "I HATE YOU LEANA WILLIAMS I HATE YOU FOR BEING SUCH A COWARD" was the last thing I screamed before I fell to the floor crying my eyes out.
After half an hour I got up and immersed myself in the bathtub full of water, I lit a cigarette and rested my head on the edge of the tub, this had become my routine for the last two months, going to clubs every night, drinking alcohol, taking drugs, sometimes fucking a man that I find attractive, just to forget about him.
I got out of the tub and dried my body, then put on my underwear and went straight to bed to sleep until my body woke up on its own.
The next day I woke up it was 3pm, I ordered a coffee with three sugars to keep me awake all night, I have no appetite now but when I come back I might eat something. I looked in my suitcase for a dress I could wear tonight and the usual black heels that matched all the outfits. I sat on the bed looking for something to do to keep my mind busy, I thought about calling Kelly I'm sure she would know what to do, I miss her so much. I reached into my bag for my phone and turned it on, quickly the notifications came in, hundreds of calls and messages from the girls and all the drivers, but not one message and not one call from him. I ignored all the messages and looked for Kelly's contact to dial her.