Torn

Chapter 18

I threw myself on the bed and reached for another piece of chocolate. It was the day after Harry's nightly visit and I hadn't been able to fall asleep after he had left. I had been awake for the rest of the night, trying to solve this situation. After laying in bed for hours without any result I had decided to fetch all the food that had chocolate in it from the kitchen. Ever since I was a little girl chocolate always made me think clearly and never failed to raise my mood a nudge.

I knew I never wanted to end things with Niall, he was the love of my life or so it felt, but I couldn't ignore the feelings I had for Harry. He made me feel weak just by being in the same room as me.  I was more confused than ever and not ready to deal with this yet. But I had to. The pictures of Harry and me hugging outside my house in the middle of the night would be all over the magazines soon and I wanted Niall to hear it from me first, to hear my side of the story. Not the media perspective which would probably just contain a whole load of lies. I decided the only solution was to tell Niall the truth before media just made everything worse. I rose out of bed and headed for the door.

On my way out I caught my reflection in the hall mirror. Despite the traces of chocolate around my mouth which I quickly removed Harry's words last night had had an effect on me. I took Harry's breath away. Something about me had to be kind of cute. Thinking this I felt ready to talk to Niall.

As I walked up the stairs to Niall's apartment I became more confident I had made the right choice for every step I took. If Niall heard my side of the story first, he would understand and maybe everything could go back to normal. I just had to try to shut my feelings for Harry out and perhaps avoid being in the same room as him. I opened the door with a big smile on my face.

Niall was sitting at the kitchen table with his back towards me. He didn't turn around or even move at the sound of me entering the apartment. I walked  up to him ready to throw my arms around him. But what was he looking at? No, it couldn't be. Yes, it was. The picture of Harry and me. Niall now turned slowly towards me and his eyes were red from crying. I tried to get some words out but couldn't say a thing.

"What the f*ck is this, Ash, when is this and why is he at your house?"

"I can explain. We haven't done anything, I swear", I managed to stumble out as tears started to run down my face.

I could see how Niall's muscles became tense as he became more and more mad for each second that passed.

He started to scream at me: "I don't want an explanation. I get everything now. Do you think I'm stupid? That's why Harry has been acting so weird every time you've been around. And that's why you poured water over Amanda. It wasn't a freaking mistake, you were jealous."

I just stood there looking at Niall, processing everything he was saying. Not until that moment, the moment I heard it from Niall, had I understood how my behavior could hurt him. How dumb and selfish I had been. Throwing it all away. I didn't say anything because I didn't have anything to say. I moved closer to Niall. I wanted to hug him, make him realize how much I loved him. But Niall backed away and put his hands in front of him, creating a distance between us. His muscles relaxed a bit and this time when he opened his mouth he didn't scream. 

"Maybe it's best that you leave and don't come back."

"Don't come back anymore today?" I said, confused by his statement.

"No, not just today. Never come back", Niall whispered and looked down.

He slowly walked past me and opened the front door. For a second I just stood there. It felt like I was dreaming. This couldn't be my life. My mind was still in the apartment but my legs obeyed Niall and walked out through the door. He shut the door behind me.

In that moment everything hit me. My body gave up and I slowly slid down onto the ground leaning towards the door. My whole body started to shake as tears ran down my cheeks. I tried to stop crying so Niall wouldn't hear me but I could feel the tears building up inside. I could feel it in my throat, making me gasp for air. It was like I couldn't even breath. Like I was drowning in my own tears. It felt like I was falling apart and no one was there to pick up the pieces.  This pain, this pain in my chest that slowly started to take place. Right where my heart used to be. It felt like that pain would never go away.