A Year of Jubilee [The Death Note Fanfic]

Chapter 20

"I hate him," she grumbled into her pillow that night, when she was at last alone.

Hellenos shifted from his post at the headboard of her bed, where he took up a sentinel position each night. Oh? he murmured unconcernedly. I thought the boy quite effectively proved the exact opposite.

Jubilee felt her cheeks flare with heat, and felt thankful for the dark cover of night. Not because of Hellenos—she was long past the mode of caring about appearances with him, since they made no difference to him anyway—but because she knew security cams hung in every corner of her bedroom. The bathroom was her only private sanctuary, and there she went to change and vent loudly to Hellenos whenever needed. Though she had heard that this luxury wasn't afforded to everybody...apparently Misa, being the suspected second Kira, had security cams in every nook and cranny of her living quarters. Jubilee shuddered at the thought. It was no wonder Misa made the accusations against L that she did. On the other hand though, the girl was more used to being on camera anyway. It seemed she was less bothered by the lack of privacy as she was by the restrictions on getting to do whatever she wanted, particularly when it came to seeing Light.

Hellenos' voice broke through her brooding. So which is it? Do you like him or do you hate him?

Jubilee groaned and pulled her covers over her head. "Both," she muttered. The admission was a begrudging one. She was still grappling with the reality of her feelings, and didn't like the fact that they were there at all. Worse, that they remained there even after the humiliating rejection L had given her.

How could he just call her out like that, so bluntly? The man was an unfeeling prototype of a human who was utterly void of humanity. Dad must have downright forgotten to install sensitivity and tact into that one, as much as a blundering technician might forget to put the necessary drives in a computer. For a computer was exactly what L was like; cold and calculating, with a brilliant mind, but entirely void of empathy. How on earth could she have fallen for someone like that? She hadn't wanted to; still didn't want to. She hadn't even wanted anything in return, simply for these insane notions in her head and her heart to go away. Yet even so, she'd gotten rejected anyway. It was utterly unfair.

Jubilee... said Hellenos' voice warningly.

She glanced up over the covers at the angel. He was starting to dim slightly.

Watch your thoughts, he said, crossing his arms.

She threw off her covers. "What?" she burst out, suddenly not caring if anyone was listening to her on surveillance. "Everything that I'm thinking is true!"

If that were the case, then this— Hellenos gestured at his fading form, Wouldn't be happening.

Jubilee scowled at him. "So you're going to leave me now too, for being cranky?"

Hellenos frowned. You know that I never leave you. When Jubilee continued to give him a stubborn glare, he added solemnly, It is the thoughts that you allow yourself to think which isolate you, Jubilee. Never others, never me...and never the Father.

Jubilee opened her mouth to retort but then stopped, suddenly aware of something. Hellenos nodded, knowing her thoughts even more quickly then she could make sense of them. Yes, he said. With your thoughts you choose to believe either the reality that you are accepted...or the illusion that you were rejected.

Jubilee looked down, conflicting thoughts warring in her brain. Part of her somehow knew, deep down in her spirit, that what Hellenos was saying was true. But the other part of her didn't understand it at all. "But I was rejected," she whispered. Not that it should matter, she thought stubbornly to herself.