she lives a life in Fear. A life of torment A nightmare that just wont end, but is that the price for love. Is it even love.
As she looks ahead to her new career in the world of firefighting, will new doors open, will she ever be free from her ab...
we made it through our first night as parents, although we spent most of it awake, Toby decided he wanted to wake up every 2 hours for either a feeding or to be changed. I hope we can get him into a routine in 2 weeks time as i have only been granted 2 weeks of furlough before I go back to work, and I can't run on next to no sleep. but I guess he is worth it.
"you dont have to wake up with me you know when he needs feeding, its not like you can help with that bit" I hear from stella as I look at her still holding toby against her chest so he can feed and I turn to her "I dont want to miss anything with him, so if that means being awake at 2am, 4am and 6am then Im awake, I dont want you doing anything alone, he is just as much my responsibility as he is yours." I say as I lean over and kiss her "whilst you feed him, I will go feed us" I say as I jump out of bed and head to the kitchen to start cooking us some breakfast.
a while later Stella appears from out the bedroom and places Toby in his baby chair as she walks over to me "I hope these sleepless nights dont last long, We have only done one night and Im worn out already" she says as she wraps her arms round me and I turn to face her as I wrap my arms round her also "He will get into a routine soon"
"hey, do you fancy a visit to the firehouse today to introduce him to everyone" I hear her say as she steps back from me to get a drink and I look at her
"Yeah thats a good idea, we will head over just after shift starts" I say as I plate up our food.
...
Stellas POV
We pull up at the firehouse and as I get out Kelly grabs Tobys car seat from the back before joining me, as we both walk upto the firehouse.
everyone appears to still be in briefing so we quietly walk towards the briefing room and kelly bobs his head in "Hellooooo, heard 51 are expecting a new recruit" I hear kelly says which gets everyone's attention as he brings the rest of his body in revealing the car seat, I follow in behind them, I watch everyone jump out of there seats, to quickly come over to us.
"isnt he the sweetest thing....he is so tiny....can I hold him" was all I heard amongst the questions and remarks everyone was saying to us all at once.
"wow one at a time" I say as kelly places the car seat on the table and unbuckles him and picks him up as Toby immediately scrunches his legs and stretches his arm which earns multiple awws from the women in the room clearly getting broody. I take a seat on one of the chairs as I watch them all coo over the baby as he gets passed around, as everyone pats Kellys back congratulating him.
I instantly start to feel distant from everyone, and feeling like I'm no longer in the room I feel eyes on me and realise its chief who comes and sits next to me "are you okay, you look a little lost" I look at him and nod "yeah just tired I guess, nothing can prepare you for the sleepless nights" I felt a hand on my shoulder as chief smiles "it gets easier, trust me" He is interrupted by the alarm, everyone makes their way out as the baby is passed back to Kelly. He watches everyone leave and I instantly know that he wishes he could be with them, he loves his job and I know he cant wait to get back.
I'm on maternity leave until Toby is 6 months old, hopefully then we have in in a routine and It becomes easier for me to look after him on my own.
I am pulled from my thoughts when kelly comes in front of me saying my name
"Sorry..." I say not realising he was talking to me
"I said do you want to stick around here for a bit, I know your missing everyone and I know they will all want to continue meeting this little one when they get back" he says looking at Toby and bouncing him in his arms a little
"Yeah, sure Id love that" I smile as I look at Toby in Kelly's arms
"right i'm gonna show this little man around" kelly says as he walks out the briefing room with Toby faced outwards pointing out every detail to him
I watch him walk out before I stand up and grab his seat of the table and got to the common room where I place the seat on the floor and take a seat on the couch as I see kelly walk past with the baby still talking about every detail of the firehouse I sit and listen to him as I hear him in the distance
"and this right here, this wonderful woman here is called Elizabeth Leslie Shay, but we just call her Shay, she was daddies best friend, she would have loved you, yes she would" I stand up and walk to the gap to look at him showing Toby the photos along the wall of all the fallen members of 51, I see him kiss Toby before he continues "shes on this wall along with all these other people because her shifts came to an end too soon, she was a hero, just like your mummy, dont tell mummy I said this, but I have never loved anyone as much as shay until the day I met your mummy, and again when I met you, as much as mummy will say I saved her, she in fact saved me when I didn't know I needed saving, and that makes mummy my hero" I start to tear up as kelly walks away to show Toby another room.
A few moments later I get a text from kelly, Its a photo message, I open it and a huge grin appears on my face as I go to find them
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*picture kelly has sent to stella^*
I find them both walking out of the turnout room as Kelly holds his helmet over Tobys head "I reckon it suits him, he will grow into it soon enough" I laugh at him as I take a photo of them, just as the rigs pull in and everyone jumps out and spots Toby in the helmet.
"looks just like his dad" hermann says "poor kid" he continues as we all laugh as he earns a dig in the arm from Kelly.
kelly passes Toby to me as he puts his uniform away and as if on queue Toby starts to cry, I look at the time and realises its feeding time so I head to Kellys office and close the blinds before I sit down on the bed, lift my top up and start to feed Toby. I lie and listen to everyone laughing and joking with Kelly as I look down at Toby
"can you hear that, all those people are your family, your going to grow up so loved by so many people, you're never ever going to feel alone, you will never feel how I felt, as we may only be a family of 3 but you Toby are one lucky boy, as you get an extended firehouse family who will always have your back, no matter what." I stroke his head as Kelly comes into his office and looks at me
"sorry I didnt realise you were feeding him" He quickly shuts the door as he comes over and sits next to me "your quiet, are you okay" I look at him and nod "just tired" I smile at him as he kisses me
"you will tell me if you're not?" he asks as I look down at Toby then back up at Kelly and force a smile "yeah, of course" he smiles back at me as he kisses my forehead before standing up and leaving .
I'm sure its just hormones, but I suddenly start to feel lonely and overwhelmed as I start to cry just hoping Toby will finish soon.
Parenting is hard. I just don't know if i can do it.
