The Stains of the Crown

Chapter Twenty Four

Trigger warnings: talks about trauma, talks about past death.

Finley finds me in the garden the next morning. I had spent the night glaring down the yellow flowers and contemplating everything that had happened, everything that Mazus had said. I could feel the pure exhaustion in my body, but I knew any attempts at sleep would be futile.

"How long have you been out here?" she asks, stopping a few feet from my huddled body. At some point, I had laid on my side. I'd curled into a ball in an attempt to keep myself warm, though it hadn't helped much. This cold felt bone-deep.

"Not long," I lie. She sighs, sitting next to me.

"Your nose crinkled. I know you're not being honest." I sigh.

"Did Vix tell everyone that?" She plays with my hair.

"What's going on?" she asks, ignoring my question. It was just as well. Of all the things on my mind, that was the only one that didn't matter.

"I went to see Mazus last night." Her hand pauses in its movements. I hear a sharp intake of breath before she continues.

"Okay. Why?" Her tone is more concerned than judgmental, but still, I could hear the judgement.

"I don't have an answer. Just... Something in me just had to go there. I don't know why." She hums. Neither of us says anything for a while.

"Yellow flowers?" she asks, following my eyes to the awful yellow roses. I sigh.

"I really did think they were beautiful. But now... All I can see are the flowers he brought me. All I can see is the blood stains he left on them." I groan in frustration. "He's so confusing! Everyone I've ever had a run-in like that with, they didn't even try to be kind. Didn't pretend. They were only bad. With Mazus... I don't know. I think he was all bad, that he only did nice things to lull me into a false sense of security, but there's this... doubt, I guess. Cause he'd come in and have nice conversations, and he'd bring me flowers and like, he'd let me explore and stuff. But then, he'd hurt me... and I just... I don't understand." She sighs, looking up at the flowers.

"People aren't so black and white. Some people are good with a little bit of bad. Some are bad with a little bit of good. I can't really say if Mazus is just bad, or if he's bad with a little bit of good, but... Are you struggling with figuring him out because of what he did? Or is it because you feel guilty for what you did?" I sigh, rubbing my face.

"I paralyzed him so he couldn't hurt anyone. But does it make me a monster for keeping him alive and not killing him? I could've killed him, but I chose to keep him alive. And I want him to pay for what he did by whatever means necessary. And I can't help but think that that makes me a monster like him."

"Echo, you are not a monst-"

"I killed someone. I killed a little girl because my aim was off. I'm the reason Kadri's dead, and I fucking... I want Mazus to hurt the way he hurt me. I am a monster, Finley."

"Look at me, Echo." I sigh, rolling onto my back so I can see her better. "You are not a monster. What happened to that girl was an accident. And from what Dane told me about Kadri last night, he would have done the same thing for anyone else. You were not the one that killed him, okay? And Mazus, whether he was good or bad or whatever combination thereof, he does not deserve the release of death. He's hurt too many people, and he deserves to feel the way he's made others feel all this time. So you," she says, petting my cheek, "you are not a monster."

I didn't believe her. I couldn't believe her. But I also couldn't convince her, so I don't even try. I sit up, kissing her softly. When we pull away, she goes to stand.