The Stains of the Crown

Chapter Ten

Trigger warnings: Talks about abuse, wound aftermath.

Smut warning.

The clock in the library ticks loudly. I stare out the window, watching the clouds move across the moon, the stars, blocking the light and letting it in. I could hear a clock in a room down the hall, guards walking through the castle, someone coming towards the library door. It opens to reveal the queen, who looks mildly surprised to see me.

"Echodis, why are you awake?" I fold my legs up against my chest, leaning further into the warmth of the chair. The position feels nice for my muscles, but it makes my bullet wound ache.

"Can't sleep," I say, resting my chin on my knees. I watch her walk to the chair across from me. She grabs my right hand gently, leaning forward in her seat.

"What's on your mind?" I sigh.

"Finley and I don't know what to do. I'm in the same situation with her that I was in with Jovi, except now the roles are reversed, but they're not at the same time." I sigh again. "I don't want a mate." I shouldn't have been talking with her about this. I didn't want Jovi to ever know, but I needed to talk to someone other than Delilah about it.

"I kind of got that impression. I've seen how hard you've been trying to accept her and let her in, but most people don't have to try with their mates. In fact, it's normally harder not to accept your mate."

"I want to want her, and I want to want Finley, but this isn't how my life was supposed to be." She nods.

"Dalla told me that you'd always said that the last thing you wanted was to have a mate. She said that your plan was to stay with the Hunters until you died. She also said that she assumed it had something to do with your parents."

"That's what everyone assumes."

"If everyone assumes that, there must be at least a hint of truth in it." I sigh, sinking further into the chair.

"Maybe."

"This is a rather personal question, and you don't have to answer, but how badly did they hurt you?"

"Physically or emotionally?" I ask, not meeting her eyes.

"Both. You don't have to hide your past." I shake my head.

"It's worse than you think." She sighs.

"Maybe so, but your past is part of who you are. It always will be. That may not be what you want to hear, but there's nothing you can do to change that. You can, however, change your future. And I think speaking about your past is the only way to heal from it, to move past it." I sigh.

"I don't know how to speak about most of the things that have happened to me. There are still things I haven't told Delilah, that I never want to tell Delilah. I didn't even tell her about my parents leaving me until I'd been with the Hunters for two years."

"You have time to talk about things. It seems to me, though, that you're putting more effort into covering things up than you are into being open about them." I hum, fiddling with my sleeve.

"Maybe."

"Jovi told me that there was something you wouldn't tell her until she asked about it." I sigh, pulling my legs back against my body.

"If I tell you, you can't tell her."

"Alright, but I have to ask why you don't want to tell her until she asks."

"Because I don't talk about it. Delilah knows, and I'm sure Dalla knows bits and pieces, but it's not something I talk about."

"Are you sure you want to tell me about it?"