InkeQuizzles and Chocolate Cake

Venusians are Real - They're Just Lying Stupidheads

This was inspired by an astronomy book I was reading that was actually published in the seventies. Therefore, the facts in the beginning are "true", but the source I got them from is completely outdated. Of course that doesn't matter though, because this would expand into complete and utter garbage nonsense.

So I shall call this an Almighty Article of Completely Accurate and Genuine False Buttmunchery. (ah, my love for unnecessarily long titles...) (and I would use a more vulgar word, but I want to keep this PG-rated(ish) because of how freaking childish these inkequizzles are. Plus I am childish in general and I love using stupid insults like buttmunch anyway. Oh, and dingus. Dingus is also good. And Stupidheads, as featured in the title.) So, in other words, it's complete fiction and balderdash, based on a few possibly outdated facts.

Enjoy, my fellow people c: This inkequizzle served for you today shall taste like root beer float.

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Even until the 20th century, people used to believe that there was secret life on Venus. People imagined that under the stifling hot atmosphere of gas and clouds lay a tropical paradise, where millions of exotic plants and animals lived and were never found for millions of years.

But ever since space probes pierced the Venusian atmosphere, scientists dismissed those "fantasies", concluding that the planet was really nothing but a 932°F (500°C) volcanic wasteland, where it rained sulfuric acid and a day lasted 5832 hours.

Astronomers never got to find out much about the surface of Venus, because when they tried to land a probe on the ground, the pressure from the atmosphere compressed the entire craft into the size of a soda can.

At least, that is what they were forced to say! Only a few people in the world, including me, are left that know about the Venusian's terrible crimes, and it is about time that someone will speak out about the truth!

Yes, my fellow Earth-Men (and strange weirdo people who feel they don't come from this planet)(and yes, I am one of these people. I am actually a Plutonian. But that's a story for another time) Venusians do exist. They have kept their presence secret for thousands of years, and they fooled us with their stupid delicious atmosphere. But our visions of an amazing jungle inhabited by tropical creatures is far different from the real Venus. Yes, it is still extremely hot and volcanic, but what astronomers could never speak out about were their denizens.

The typical Venusian is a sly, dwarfy creature, who lives off the malicious thrill of stealing other people's cookies. He keeps his stash of cookies in a secret storage area underneath his bed, where magical dancing popsicles keep them from melting in the hot atmosphere (that's just how it works over on Venus, it's a silly planet). If a Venusian doesn't steal at least 50 cookies in one day, they would satisfy their thieving addiction by rubbing chocolate chips on their face (again, silly planet.)

Eventually, the planet ran out of cookies that weren't stolen; the bakers wouldn't make any because they'd just keep them for themselves, and no one with a surplus of cookies would kindly give them up for other Venusians to steal. The denizens started dipping their faces in chocolate to try to ease their pain, but soon the planet would run out of chocolate. Civilization was in ruins.

At least, until they discovered cookies on Earth.

Until then, they thought that Earth was nothing but a blue and green planet of dirt, grass and Gatorade. They thought that the typical Earth-Man was nothing but a squishy blob that cares about nothing but remote controls and didn't comprehend the value of baked goods. When they found out about the Earth's cookies, however, the Venusians were amazed. They immediately started building spaceships and technology to travel to Earth. It took about 60 days or so (keep in mind, that amounts to about 120 earth years) (and yes my math is completely accurate) (just kidding don't take it seriously) until they were able to travel to Earth. And when they did, utter chaos ensued.