InkeQuizzles and Chocolate Cake

The Magical Magicness of Novelty Hats

You wanna know why Hatters and people that always wear hats are mad? Well, they're not. Well, they might be, but the truth is that their hats give them confidence to be weird. It takes a lot of courage to be the weirdo. 

The thing is, back in the day, they put mercury in the hats, and the hatters would go mad because they always had the mercury on the fingers. I think everybody knows that. But I guess the reason why people (like me) that always wear novelty hats are a little crazy is because they still have the spirit of the hatters in them. And this is really fun. And the thing is that with a mighty hat on top of their heads, they can feel more confident in their weirdness. 

Why the hell don't they let you wear hats in school, then?

Teachers have always said that school is a place of business, and that with business you have to look somewhat professional. I think that is ridiculous, though! Who said that not taking hats off during work and school wasn't professional? Why? I mean, it's not disruptive, it's not hurting anyone.... it doesn't provoke a terrible smell or anything, and with hats on you have better protection of the most important part of your body: YOUR BRAIN (might not be much but still). I guess they're jealous of a hatter's incredible weirdness. I love to wear hats, just because they scream that I AM WEIRD, AND I DON'T CARE.

So, since this isn't very nonsensical at the moment, I shall tell you the story of a very mad hatter, and his adventures. Not the one from Alice's Adventures.... that was his twin brother that got adopted by a cabbage king. 

Once there was a mad hatter, who lived in the middle of a teapot. Someone hadn't washed the teapot in a very long time, so in result of that, a very big forest had grown inside of it. The mad hatter loved to skip and tapdance, which caused a lot of other fellow forest people to loath him. They'd say:

"Stop that! That's just absurd!"

To which the Hatter replied:

"We live in the middle of a forest inside of a teapot! How can we not be absurd?!"

The Mad Hatter had a very big collection of novelty hats. Some he had made himself, others he had been given to by very strange dormice. He had offered his hats to many people that lived in the forest with him, but they always refused because it was against social convention.

"To Heaven with social conventions!" the hatter would cry. "I want to tapdance and skip among the branches of the trees! I want to pick coconuts and throw them at people! I want to make a spaceship out of leaves and vines and get out of this stupid teapot!"

One day, the hatter had gone out to buy fabric to make another one of his marvelous hats. This one was going to be his magnum opus... his somnium clauorum! It would be a wizard viking helmet kitty beret robot-motron! And it WOULD GIVE HIM THE POWERS OF THE UNIVERSE!!

He was skipping through the store with his shopping cart, looking for all the things that he would need, when he was stopped by some mysterious Bubblegum-man. He had a shiny bald head and he had chocolate bars sticking out of his ears. 

"STOP!" he cried at the mad hatter.

The hatter stared at him for a few seconds. "......Why?"

The mysterious Bubblegum-man looked swiftly and dramatically to the left. "I don't know." 

"Oh," the hatter said. "Okay." He continued to push his shopping cart down the aisle.

"WAIT!" the Bubblegum-man cried again. "STOP AGAIN!"

"What is it?" the hatter said, turning to him. 

The Bubblegum-man strutted arrogantly towards the hatter. "I'm supposed to give something to you."

"What is it?" the hatter said again. He was growing impatient.

The Bubblegum-man reached into his pocket. "This package of..... bacon."

"Cool!" the mad hatter said, eagerly taking it from his hand. "Thanks! I love bacon!"

"Wait, that's mine!" the Bubblegum-man shouted, snatching it from the hatter's hands. He put it back in his pocket and reached into his shoe. "I was meant to give you this. Take it. It's an enchanted flashlight that makes everyone blind." 

"What? How would I make any use of that?" the hatter demanded angrily. 

"You could put it in your new hat and it would make vacuum cleaners rain from the sky."

"Oh," the hatter said, taking the flashlight. "Okay. That makes sense."

"Alrighty then," the Bubblegum-man shouted triumphantly. "Bubblegum-man AWAY!"

And then he turned, raised his fists, and walked away.

The Mad Hatter worked all night on his new hat. He made sure that the hat would have everything it needed: bull horns, wizard laundry detergent, kitty whiskers, French baguettes, and his favorite Rob Zombie figurine. When he was finally finished with all of that, he carefully glued the enchanted flashlight on top of the hat, and waited for it to dry.

The deed was done.

The hatter put his somnium clauorum on with trembling hands. He couldn't believe he had built this wonderful masterpiece. He marched outside to show off his new hat. 

People looked at him and turned away in disgust, but that was okay. It didn't matter what other people thought. What mattered was how it was going to be used. The hatter tapdanced to the top of the hill, and he looked up at the top of the teapot. He grinned hopefully, and then he pressed the button on the enchanted flashlight. It wouldn't be long until it started raining vacuum cleaners.

Now, you must be thinking that a flashlight that can make it rain vacuum cleaners would be completely useless. But you would be wrong. You see, the Mad Hatter thought it all out perfectly. The vacuum cleaners would fall out of the sky, not from the top of the teapot. And vacuum cleaners are quite heavy. Soon, billions of them were plunging in from the clouds, and one of them hit and shattered the teapot.

The hatter looked up at the sky triumphantly. "I'M FREE! I'M FINALLY FREE!!!!!" he cried. He ran out of the teapot as far away from the people as he could.

So, yeah. I realize now that that did nothing to prove my point, but.... oh well. 

Good Night!