Can't Let Him Go||L.S.

Ending #1-Niall

Dear Niall, 

I'm sorry I did this to you, Niall. I can just imagine how this will cause you to react and it kills me knowing I hurt you so much. None of this is your fault, I know you'll start blaming yourself because I know you but it's not on you. I just couldn't handle it anymore Ni, it hurt so much and I just couldn't. Dying seemed so much less painful than it was to stay laying in bed all day, forcing myself to move in the morning. I'm sorry if you think I was selfish for doing this to you, I have known you for so long, for almost all my life yet I didn't come to you. 

I felt like if I came to you you would be ashamed of me for wanting to give up, I don't want you to be ashamed of me. I still remember the very first actual fight we had was in the 8th grade, we fought because you saw my scars. I didn't and still don't blame you, it was your first reaction to being scared. We didn't talk for days because of it, and when you starts seeing me wear more and more things on my wrists to hide it, you came to me, sobbing. You told me you were so scared of losing me so scared that one day I would go too deep and die. You wanted me to stop, I couldn't but you are the reason I tried to. I did end up stopping after Louis found out because I had someone that understood the addiction to it, someone who knew how to make it stop. 

Whenever I got the sensation to do it again, he would grab my wrists, squeeze the together and hold them to his chest as he sang to me. The vibration and sound of his voice calmed me to the point that it would go away like he would scare the urge away. After he died, I got the urges again and again, but I didn't do it. I was scared I would shame Louis, shame you. 

Niall, you're an angel on earth and I need you to know that, I need you to know what you're worth. When you think about me, don't be upset, think of all the times we had when you had me cackling so hard that you had to give me my inhaler. Think about all of the times we stayed up all night talking about everything and nothing, cuddled until it was time for you to leave. 

I hate that I'm writing a goodbye and not telling you all of this to your face but if I did, you'd stop me from what I did. I can't say I would blame you, I would stop you from doing it. I would try my best to keep you from hurting yourself in anyways. I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance to do that. I'm scared of dying, I really am but not knowing what id do later in life was scarier. What if I started hurting myself again? What if I started pushing you away, maybe even started to let my anger flow over myself hurt you guys? I wouldn't be able to handle that. I wanted to go with you by my side, holding my hand but if I told you that myself, you would've talked me out of it, you would've saved me so couldn't. I have no idea what will happen after I pass but know I didn't mean to hurt you. When you think me gone, just think of me happy with Louis, waiting for you and the boys on the other side after you've lived and grown old with kids, 3 like you've always wanted. 

Love your best friend, Hazzybear.