Can't Let Him Go||L.S.

Ending #1-Zayn

Dear Zayn, 

You know, to this day you're still a mystery to me and I've known you for 13 years. You would think I would've figured you out, yet I haven't. This is definitely not a bad thing, mysteriousness can be a good thing, and with you it is. I never expected your next move, especially the one day it took for you to go from a full-blown nerd with glasses and suspenders to a hot bad boy on me. Well, where I'm going with this is no matter how mysterious you are or want to be, don't hide. Don't let your emotions be a mystery to the boys, they are there for you just like you were there for us. When Lou passed, it hurt everyone badly and I know it hurt you too but I haven't seen you shed a single tear over him. You screamed, punched walls, hugged people, and held me while I cried, you were there for everyone but you hid your tears. Don't do that with my death, be vulnerable with the boys. They won't judge you, and they won't make you go to therapy as your parent did, this is your family and they're here for you. 

I'm sorry but I guess it's my turn to be mysterious. I know you saw through my fake looks, and hell, you probably already knew what I was thinking about these past few days, maybe that's why you talked to the boys about lowering the time between visits to my room. Zayn, I know you're going to be the first one to figure out what I'm going to do, you're the one that's going to come in my room after I've already done the damage. You're the only one that has the strength to bust doors down, you're proved that once when I first figured out Louis passed, I was sitting on the bathroom floor, thinking and curled up. You busted in the door because the others couldn't and I wasn't answering you guys, I'm sorry I'm scaring you again and that this time I'm actually going to be gone behind that door. 

Z, I know you don't believe in anything after death. When my step-father was diagnosed with cancer, you showed up at mine and Louis' house, and you stayed with us that night. You stayed with me that night. We stayed up so late, sitting in my and Louis' bed, talking. We all talked about what we believed happened once one dies. You didn't sugarcoat what you thought, that's something I've always adored about you Zayn. Don't change. Well, even though you don't believe in anything, I want to let you know that I don't know either but I want to believe that ill be back with Lou and we will be waiting for you guys to come to us after you've lived. After you've done everything you've ever wanted to do. I'm not saying you have to believe in that but that's what's comforting me as I write this, the fact that I could see all of you guys again and be able to apologize. Take care of yourself, Zaynie. I love you. 

Love Haz