To rebuild our home

9

Jon's POV

After I finished up cutting myself on my bed I watched the blood run down my arms onto my lab, staining my pants as I sat there. This didn't bothered me at the moment though, because I was only focusing on the blood and the red lines on my arms. Four cuts on every arm, reminding me that I am not worth a thing. I deserve this I repeated to myself. This is going to be my life now.

Suddenly I snapped out of my trance and saw the huge red splotches that were left on my pants. I can't let anyone see this, I have to hide this in my closet until I am able to wash the stains out without anyone noticing it. So I took off my pants and took a glance at myself in the Mirror. I looked terrible, my hair was a mess, my eyes were still red and puffy from crying, my arms were partly covered in red lines and stained with blood and my legs were bruised. Also I had a black eye and I wasn't able to walk properly, I noticed that I limped and that this leg, my right leg hurted a lot.

Well to be exact my whole body was hurting, but I didn't minded it. I deserved this. I hated looking at me all of a sudden, I was disgusted of myself. I walked away from my body sized Mirror and hid my pants in the closet. "This should do it." I whispered to myself. Nobody will notice anything. The next thing I thought of were my arms. I questioned how I should hide those bright red lines. I tried to soak up the blood with a tissue, but this only led to more blood spilling out of the cuts. I had to go to the bathroom, but the issue here was that the bathroom was in the corridor. There was only one bathroom in this house that we all had to share.

I was scared to leave my room like this, but I had to go to the bathroom, because if I would have worn a long sleeved t-shirt the blood would still seep through the fabric of the long sleeved shirt. So I slowly opened the door of my room and looked down the corridor, the coast seemed clear so I quickly rushed to the bathroom and locked the door. I let out a sigh of relief and was now able to clean my arms and wrapped them up with gauzes so that the blood wouldn't be able to show through the thin clothing that I have.

I unlocked the door and walked back to my room. I was yet again relieved to not have been caught. I wouldn't have known how to explain this to anyone. I slipped out of my short sleeved dark blue t-shirt and put on a dark blue also button up long sleeved shirt. It almost looked like the short sleeved one so I guess that I was comfortable having to wear this. Usually I wouldn't wear a long sleeved shirt especially in the summer, that's why I only have like two or three in my closet. This could seem strange to the two of them, but I don't think that they are going to grow any suspicion or even care about this sudden change.

The rest of the evening I sat there laid down on my bed. I felt like crying, but I hadn't had the strength to do so. I felt as if every drop of energy had left my body. Still I wasn't able to sleep, so I had to lay there silently absorbing the return of my negative thoughts that I couldn't block out in any way. I stared at the ceiling for hours and thought about a lot of thing's, my past, my presence and thought of different scenarios in my head. The conclusion of my thoughts left me in pain and regret, I never was good enough for them.

Suddenly a voice brought me back to reality. I got startled and jumped a little when I heard that Mark told me behind my door that I should come downstairs to eat something. He also told me that the food that he had cooked is something that I really like. "Uhm....No it's fine. I am not hungry Mark. Thanks for the offer though." I responded while trying to not let it sound like a lie.