To rebuild our home

15

Jon's POV

Tears started to well up in my eyes as I still stood there with the present in my hands in front of the now shut door. I placed the present down in front of his door and then turned around to go in my room.

I needed to be alone right now I told myself as I went into my room and locked the door. The negative thoughts were beginning to emerge my brain again as the urge to harming myself grew bigger. I had no other choice then to silence it and also I need to do this. I have to do this, I failed Eduardo again.

I got my knife out from one of the drawers where I was hiding it at and sat back on my bed. I rolled up my sleeves and took off my gauzes as I glanced over the old cuts. They weren't that deep, so I guess that they would eventually fade after two weeks or so.

This time I wanted them to last longer. I wanted them to hurt more and to stay as marks on my body that would remind me of my mistakes and of the way that I am not worth anything.

I placed the blade right under the cuts from yesterday and began cutting through my skin. I made longer and deeper lines now through my skin. This time I didn't even looked away or flinched at the pain, no, this time I embraced the pain. I watched the cuts as the blood was forming in little droplets above my skin again. I Imidiently felt calmer even though the stinging was indeed much more painful then in the last time.

I keep on cutting until I made six new but deeper cuts on my arms. This time I also prevented any blood from dripping down my clothes or on the bedsheet, although there was a lot more blood coming out of my body then yesterday. At the end of this I cleaned up myself with some tissues and also the knife that I used. I waited until I wasn't bleeding anymore so that I could roll down my sleeves and go over to the bathroom to put on new gauzes on my arms.

After a few minutes I was ready to go. I went to the bathroom, cleaned my arms and put on some gauzes before I went back into my room. Once I was in my room I began to cry into my pillow, just as violently as I did when I was cutting myself. I felt like I wasn't worth something, like everyone would be better off without me.

My death would probably be the best present for Eduardo I guess. I don't even know why he holded my upper part of my body up when he can't stand me, maybe he was just checking if I was still alive or not just to be disappointed. It's always the same, all I ever do is just disappoint everyone. I don't know how long I can stand this hate from him.

Anyways after what felt like hours I stopped crying. My energy was low again, my hopes for a better future were running dry. I didn't knew what to believe or do anymore. My thoughts were running around my head until I heard Mark yell out that it was time to eat. It was already time to eat, but I didn't felt like eating.

I didn't felt like doing anything so I silently stayed in my bed. I hoped that nobody would question why I wouldn't come downstairs, but some minutes later I heard a knock on my door. It was Mark, he wanted me to open up the door. I locked the door this time, I always did this when I wasn't feeling well, because of Eduardo or when I would get sick or simply when I felt like having some time for myself. I told him that everything is okay, that he doesn't need to come check on me or worry for me.

But what I said hadn't Satisfied Mark, still he wanted to see me. He ordered me to open up the door and kept on insisting until I had done as he told me to do. I slowly opened up the door and hoped that it wasn't very visible that I had been crying. But from Mark's expression I could tell that it indeed was very noticeable.