Still Flowers For You [SeungJin]

Chapter 22

Things need to be exposed before they can heal. Each therapy session and each thought was dedicated to why Hyunjin was this way.

"Why are you so insecure?" Dr. Lee had shocked him by asking. Well, actually she had asked "Where do you think this insecurity that you're feeling arises from?" but that was a more professional and less intimidating version of Hyunjin's interpretation.

Indeed. Where did the insecurity stem from? He wrecked his brain trying to think about it but he also hid parts of his mind from the inquisition because he wasn't ready yet to open those trapdoors. The insecurity in his relationships was a hot topic that burned. The insecurity in himself chilled him. He usually thought that it doesn't matter why things were so and he had been operating on the basis that he had to deal with things as they were...but could he fix them if he didn't know their origin? Will the malaise keep infiltrating him and trespass to his new relationships? Even old relationships turned new.

Like for example, Seungmin informed him that 'I'm going to meet Serimji today' and something in Hyunjin died. Unfortunately, it wasn't his love. That was strong and clawing it's way higher but Hyunjin was always jealous and he had to make a conscious effort to let Seungmin go in peace and not throw an Oscar-worthy tantrum. It was incredible to him but the more time passed, the more he wasn't ready to let go even though technically he had already done that.

He briefly but frequently considered ending their friends with benefits...or whatever this connection they had was. Best-friends-always-and-recently-exes-still-having-sex-and-in-a-bdsm-relationship was a bit of a mouthful but it encompassed it better than any other description because they weren't just having sex. One look from Seungmin and Hyunjin was ready to drop to his knees – needing to do it since it helped him deal with everyday life. It was precisely Seungmin's gaze why he never suggested ending it. One look and they were on each other, whether it was heated or cuddling or ribbing each other in a safe space that encouraged jokes and laughter. They knew they couldn't offend each other even though they were still careful. Seungmin was oh so careful with him even though Hyunjin doubted he always deserved it.

And that care...that care made things harder. It was addictive, having someone that cared so much about him. Was he using Seungmin to get his own sense of security? As he worked hard to rebuilt his sense of self, he realised that he was but it wasn't that clear cut either. He wanted Seungmin with him, to be in his presence, only because Seungmin made things calmer, better, nicer. He could just live adjacent to him and he'll be happy.

He can be happier if they were together but that ship has sailed and happiness was a cold cut currency that he wasn't going to mess with even if he was on anti-depressants.

In other words: he'll get his happiness wherever he could and he'll be unapologetic for it although being unapologetic didn't mean he wasn't feeling the guilt closely. He would also make sure that Seungmin would get his happiness and that he too will be unapologetic. When those two things clashed...he made a sacrifice.

"Okay. Have fun." He said with a small smile. It was smaller than usual but he wasn't going to apologise for his hurt.

Things need to be exposed. Perhaps he can uncover them slowly, without any hasty moves.

"Actually...can you not tell me when you're meeting her please." He said in a small voice "or your friends really! Unless you are meeting someone we're both friends with so I can pass along by greetings" he rushed to add so he didn't make it all about her; them. The them that didn't include Hyunjin. "It's just...you don't need permission from me."

"I'm not asking permission. I'm sharing with you." Seungmin frowned. He had stopped putting his jacket on and turned to looked at him and Hyunjin felt like the other could see right through him as he usually did.