Still Flowers For You [SeungJin]

Chapter 23

A/N : a very turbulent chapter from Seungmin's POV entirely. Upcoming: roadtrip + holiday...with lots and lots of smut because I have these ideas that I need to write about and fit in the plot but the plot is still relevant.

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Sometimes I feel like he found new ways to infiltrate my heart; that there were new nooks and crannies previously unknown to Seungmin.

It really wasn't a fair situation. Seungmin had pissed himself off. Being pissed at oneself to such an extend was a new feeling for him. Sure, sometimes he irritated himself when he was teasing other people and he couldn't stop even if he wanted to.

Seungmin sometimes had compulsive thoughts thanks to his OCD. Usually, he felt the thoughts coming, wanted to stop them but then he just had to utter them, releasing them into a new world of regrets. Seungmin however was nothing if not resilient and entrepreneurial and since he was used to it since childhood, he now turned these comments into his sense of humour. Of course, with his lovable personality and with it being seen as a joke, people couldn't be too mad at him.

But it didn't stop him from being irritated and mad at himself but never to such an extent. There were always new heights thanks to Hyunjin.

Seeing how Hyunjin was hurt? That hurt. Knowing that he was partially at fault? That nagged him, nipping his head and heart like his conscious had taken the shape of a bloodthirsty bird from nightmares past and was striking continuously at him with its beak.

No matter how crass he presented himself: he had a working conscious. He knew that he helped to widen Hyunjin's insecurities which now shrouded the other like a shadow which followed him everywhere. He did know they were there from before; Hyunjin had issues beyond him like any other person. He wasn't a narcissist that thought that the world revolved around him but he knew that he was a large contributor to the other's pain no matter how much he did to sooth him after.

Hurting Hyunjin was unacceptable. Had it been another person, Seungmin would not have thought twice before inflicting some kind of verbal or physical punishment but how did he do that to himself?

The answer was self-flagellation. It was ironic that both Hyunjin and him were doing it. Both of them were insecure too.

He wasn't an asshole; he had told Serimji that he had another person on his mind and very much still in his heart all along. She knew but wanted to give them a try – she too had ended a relationship recently and they were companions in getting over people only there was no getting over Hyunjin. Serimji and him were more like friends though she did excite him and calm him in turn and his heart did flutter around her. He hadn't lied when he said he'd been interested in her; still was in fact. Most of the time, like right now, they hung out and it was nice.

He wasn't a saint; they did have sex or ace hence why he insisted on using condoms with Hyunjin and being safe overall. He did think of Hyunjin most of the time but he wasn't an asshole – at least he didn't think so – he did like her and he tried to think of only her when he was with her (which he was failing right now). She wanted to see where they would go, could go. Which heights they could reach and Seungmin treated this whole thing as an experiment – an emotional one to be sure of course! He simply wanted to see if it could work out – on Hyunjin's instructions really. The other was so in tune with his feeling and with the world; surely he had seen potential in Seungmin's feelings for her so he wanted to honour that.

He'd been thinking about Hyunjin dating other people. Hyunjin had always been so bright; how he had gotten so lucky as to get him and that spark of his he wasn't sure - even if it was for less than a year properly together but there had been four years of friendship previously and those too had been rewarding.