Still Flowers For You [SeungJin]

Chapter 49

They weren't talking about it. He knew it was up to him. He'd requested time to think about it and Seungmin was giving it to him while they were doing everything else as they were before. Some people may find it strange how they hung out together, worked together...had sex together and even simply slept in the same bed (or sofa or floor or wherever they had space in their schedule to catch up on the sleep they lost at night) yet it wasn't actually strange for them.

If he admitted it to himself, Hyunjin had realised that there was something in the air still between them, maybe something that grew like a cloud and would sometimes rain on them until it was absorbed back up to form clouds again. Maybe that something was love after all...but it was hard for him to accept.

If he was going to admit that they were still in love, he could also admit that he'd found it both easy and hard to let go of Seungmin. Feelings wise, it was very hard and had drained him of both energy and happiness but mentally...he'd found it easy. Easy to let go because he couldn't understand even after so long why Seungmin wanted him.

People had called him high-maintenance often and perhaps he got angry or more competitive when they did and proved himself...but their words stuck to him until he sort of accepted it as truth. Why would he burden someone with that? With him? With all his insecurities, gender issues, family issue and his mental health.

He had the chance to free Seungmin from his burden while Seungmin could even be happy because he'll find that happiness with someone else...someone both easier to love and easier to be with publically (at least unless they were recognised) and he took that chance. He could recognise that now and even spoke about it with Dr. Lee...but he still wasn't sure what to do.

He had the opportunity to go back on his decision or at least bridge the gap between now and the future for them to be together but he was not sure if he'll take it. Maybe his decision had been good; a true act of love to free Seungmin from himself. Or maybe he was 'being a coward' as Jaejung-hyung had 'kindly' 'let him know' when he visited the art department on a whim to get love-life updates that weren't his own and ended up blurting out all his problems to his hyung whose face had gone from lemon sour to skunk smell sour the more Hyunjin talked.

What does anyone but them know about the situation though. For now, he wasn't discussing it with Seungmin though because he didn't want to confuse, hurt more or give false hopes to the other or even to himself. He needed to get his shit together.

Which is why he was taking a Korean half-bath with warm water verging on scalding. His bottom half submerged in water with some fragrant essential oils and bath salts he wished to detox his body as much as possible while yearning it would travel up to his brain. He'd made use of a bath easel, keeping his hands occupied so he won't submerge them in the water. The easel had been a gift from Seungmin; a 'just because' one and when he'd seen it, he wanted to throw it back in the cupboard but he didn't want to be unreasonable and it made sense to use it so he did. The easel now housed a new floral piece as he avoided drawing faces or people in general for fear of them turning into Seungmin or a couple.

He sighed.

"I don't think this half-bath is working." He muttered to himself.

He wanted to clear his head instead he ended up with more questions than answers. Now he didn't know only 'what should I do?' but he'd added 'was it right that I let him go like that?' and 'if Seungmin hurts anyway whether he is with me or not, which one should I choose?'. He knew that love alone was not enough but he'd convinced himself in time that Seungmin loved him a bit less and it helped him make peace with his decision only now that foundation had been rocked. So if there was love from both sides, can they use that to heal the separation between them? Probably yes...but what about all their other issues?