golden moon | psh. - khj. |

moon

seonghwa doesn't want to say he regretted what happened that night because it wouldn't have him ended up with the little human being he loves more than anything else in this world. the both of them now live in the south of France in a small town between the big cities. seonghwa wishes one day wishes he could live in one of them again but after being an idol and low income this dream seems to be far off reality now. 

he doesn't want to work too much since he wants to spend time with his 3 year old son, Kim Moon since there is only seonghwa around. sometimes he gives moon to his brother's friend so he can work as an barista in a cafe. he also provided him a room in his home for seonghwa because he couldn't afford anything else. 

he left korea when he found out he was pregnant. he was scared of how his family, friends and the fandom will react. his biggest fear was hongjoong's reaction.  so he decided to run from the problem. the only person who knew was his brother who sends him a little money every few months. 

his life isn't the best. he doubts himself and believes he can never give moon the life he deserves. he's tired and doesn't want to open his eyes on most days but he can't let his son down. 

he's everything seonghwa has.

-

they thought they'll forget everything in the morning but unfortunately they both do but never mentioned it. both of them believed at least one of them forgot. everything from that point was messy. hongjoong wanted to make it clear that they can't be together what so ever and started to be harsher to seonghwa. it left him hurt, every time hongjoong would be nice to the other members but not even looking at seonghwa. 

"why don't you treat me like the others?" he asked him one day inside their room. 

"it's because we're friends. the others are like my little brothers. don't be weird." 

one time they had an interview where two members stand face to face, holding hands and confessing what they like the most about the other. of course they put seonghwa and hongjoong together since they're the only 98' liners. 

"I don't want to hold hands with him." hongjoong said laughing making it look like a funny joke.

"what I like the most about hongjoong is his passion for music and how caring he is to the members." with 'to the members' he meant everyone but him. 

"hmm what I like about seonghwa the most? probably his voice and how he dances."  that really hurt seonghwa. after knowing each other for years the only thing hongjoong could think about was his voice and dancing. while everyone else talked about special things like personality and character. 

things got the worst when seonghwa found out he was pregnant. he couldn't be pregnant, ateez's career just blew up and everything was starting to work out for them. also no one knew about seonghwa's sexuality and how was he going to explain everyone that him and hongjoong slept together. hongjoong doesn't even talk to him anymore how was he going to tell him he carries his child?

seonghwa didn't want an abortion neither did he want his child to grow up in a toxic environment where his own father doesn't even want to acknowledge his existence like he does with seonghwa. 

when the company asked him why he wanted to leave ateez he said he didn't feel comfortable being an idol anymore and that his goal in life changed. with that he left the country for good. he found it funny how everyone was sad when it was announced that his contract will be terminated but if they found out the actual truth they would hate him. 

he cried himself to sleep every night, self harmed and hated his life until he had his little baby in his hands. seonghwa had a little hope he couldn't allow himself to give up on. 

he was born in november as well and looks like hongjoong a lot. as much as he loves his son he can't help to feel sad every time he looks at him because he gets reminded of the other and how they were right before seonghwa left. 

little moon does know about his father. seonghwa puts a lot of effort in putting hongjoong in moons life. he tells him all the time that hongjoong can't be with them because of his stressful idol life but that he loves him even tho they're far apart from each other. seonghwa knows he makes everything worse by lying to him but he doesn't know what to do. maybe one day when the whole truth comes out, moon will leave him too and seonghwa will just delete himself from everyones memory. 

he shows him videos and performances of hongjoong, every time moon looks up with his big eyes and says 

"daddy is the coolest when sings. can we watch him one day?" 

and every time seonghwa's heart breaks. 

"we'll see." he answers patting moons head while the child pouts. seonghwa knows he can't attend their concert not just because he doesn't have the money to but he can't overcome the same fears he had 4 years ago. 

"can't daddy come visit us then? i can't remember the last time I saw him."

another night of crying his whole soul out, for the past years seonghwa hasn't done anything but lie. he knows he can't keep up much longer. because moon will end up hating seonghwa just like hongjoong did.