golden moon | psh. - khj. |

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although everything that is going on between hongjoong and seonghwa, hongjoong actually makes an effort to get to know his son. they go to amusement parks and animal cafes while seonghwa spends most of his time in the dorm, hoping hongjoong will acknowledge him when they get home. his feelings were still hurt from the incident that happened almost a week ago but he was glad hongjoong and moon were getting along so well. everyday moon comes running in his arms with the biggest smile on his face, telling him about all the fun stuff they did together.

"mommy, can all of us spend time together?
it's gonna be way more fun if you join."

he would if hongjoong agreed but they don't talk to each other. seonghwa doesn't want to. hongjoong made it clear that night, how his opinion on seonghwa was.

desperate and depressed it hurts more than his voice or his dancing he once said.

however they are returning back to France in a week and moon has to farewell his father again. so all seonghwa wants, is to make his son the happiest while they are here and therefore he has to talk to hongjoong.

he has to because they both don't know how they will be going on with them living on the other side of the globe. seonghwa doesn't even know if hongjoong wants to keep in touch with moon, that is all still to figure out.

-

hongjoong and moon are spending their time today in hongjoong's company studio, he only let his trusted people know about his son. he shows moon his unreleased songs and let him experiment with his various instruments.

hongjoong watches him with the most loving eyes, he didn't know he was able to love someone in such a short time not after all these years of not knowing how to give or receive.

"daddy, can you use this for your new song?" moon asks after pressing few keys on his keyboard.

"we should practice a bit more."
hongjoong laughs placing his hands above moon's on the keyboard, showing him what keys to press.

after long laughing and teaching sessions, hongjoong sits on the couch which moon follows up to climb up his lap.

"are you coming back home with mommy and me?" hongjoong the 'new dad' he is doesn't exactly know how he should answer his 3 year old. of course he wished he can spend everyday with him but things were still complicated.

"hmm I'm sad I can't but I will come visit you some time soon."

hongjoong watches moon's face turn into a pout, clearly upset he only had two weeks to spend with him and hongjoong is sad too. moon made him the happiest he ever could've been and with him gone, he had to continue living with no one to motivate him like moon did the past week.

"but most families live together." moon avoids eye contact with hongjoong.

"you know, I'm still very busy with work right now but I promise later we will live together."

and he really means it. even if it means to leave this job to make it happen, he will. and if it means everyone will turn his back on him and hate him, he'd do anything to be together with his family.

"I'm scared that it will be too late at this point, daddy." he sees how tears start welling in moon's eyes. hongjoong was confused. what does he mean by 'too late'?

"how will it be too late, moon?"

"what if mommy really falls in love with uncle rowoon and then we can't live together anymore."

no one wanted for them to be a family more than moon did but that doesn't mean that hongjoong didn't. in reality hongjoong can't get himself to tell seonghwa how he really feels and apologize for everything he said.

hongjoong knows he can be possessive and jealous and he had no right to invade seonghwa's love life but he wasn't gonna let it happen that someone other than him is allowed to be with seonghwa. he loved him first and he would make sure he'd be the last too.

"that won't happen, my baby." hongjoong smiles while he hugs moon white his blood already boiling because he knows that rowoon is closer to seonghwa than he is.

-

seonghwa is in the kitchen, getting dinner ready when he hears the door open. he knew who it is since all the members are in their hometown for a short break.

"mommy!" moon runs to seonghwa who is already leveling down, opening his arms.

"hi baby, I missed you." seonghwa carries him, kissing him all over his face while moon giggles. he quickly glances at hongjoong, giving him a small smile which hongjoong kind of returns.

"I missed you too. today daddy taught me how to play keyboard." moon says adding more details and fun moments which seonghwa of course laughs to.

"that's amazing, baby. i guess the both of you are hungry now."

they all end up eating together sharing more about their day. it was the first time they spend quality time together and seonghwa and hongjoong surprisingly enjoyed it a lot. they talked with each other but both of them knew if moon wasn't there they wouldn't.

-

seonghwa loves the sight of moon peacefully sleeping on hongjoong's chest. he didn't think things would ever be like how they are now but he was glad the other loves moon just as much as moon loves him too. he places the last plate back to the cabinet as he watches hongjoong caresses moon's head.

"he's really gonna miss you." seonghwa says walking to the living room where the both laid.

"I know. I'll miss him too." he quietly responds not wanting him to wake up. seonghwa sits down to talk to hongjoong.

"i don't really know how to start a conversation." he honestly admits while hongjoong weakly smiles.

"honestly I don't know either. but I want to apologize for all the times I said something that made you feel hurt. I know I'm wrong but I just-" hongjoong takes a deep breath. he doesn't know how to put his words.

seonghwa stays silent, giving him the time he needs.

"I don't know how to act in front of you because everything I do doesn't bring back the time anyways."

"why? what would you change if you could bring back time?" seonghwa frowns in question.

hongjoong doesn't even try to hide his tears. he just lets them roll down his face, it doesn't matter. things between them were bad already they both know it.

"I would care about you more and take care of you. I'd make you feel like you deserve everything in this world. You could lean on my shoulder for every time you feel like crying and I'd chase down anyone who hurt you. and I'd be able to raise our son from the day he was born and we could've been the family we all wish we would be. but we're not and I hate myself for being the reason for it.
I hate that I still can't do all these things.
I hate that I am still the reason why we all are hurting."

seonghwa cries as silently as he could so did hongjoong.

"I'd do anything to make you stay." he whispers knowing that he can't. they have to deal with what happened and how it will be in the future.

"hongjoong..."

"I'm so sorry, seonghwa. I'm sorry I was never able to do that. I did the exact opposite."

"it's not all your fault. it was still my decision."

hongjoong only shakes his head,

"you've blamed yourself all these years. you can put the blame on me now."

☁️

sorry for not updating very recently. thank you for reading tho.