golden moon | psh. - khj. |

hongjoong's letter to seonghwa

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to seonghwa:

I think you figured I'm too bad with words. there are a million things I'd like to say to you in person but I don't know, it doesn't work to well yet so please be patient with me.

I'm writing this on my way to you and moon so first of all I hope we had a great time together and we were able to become even closer. I told myself that this time I'll try hard to make you and me grow into a stronger relationship. I was sure the moment you stood in front of me the first time after four years that I wouldn't want to be away from you again. I know it doesn't make sense since I stormed off recklessly that night and I hope you know that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the things that happened back then. I'm sorry for running off that night. Mostly I'm sorry for hurting you. It wasn't my intention really, I panicked and followed my head instead of my heart. I know it doesn't excuse the things I've done but I'm not perfect. I still make mistakes and have my own battles and insecurities to fight and I am right now. laying out all my feelings on a sheet of paper for someone. I can't talk about my feelings yet so writing them down seems easier and I think it's better since you can always go back and read this rather then having to remember words someone said months or years ago. I don't really know if it makes sense but I'm trying my hardest.

I know your blaming a lot on yourself but I hope you'll let go of it because there is really no one to blame. not you or not me, what happened already happened. we cannot change it so let's focus on becoming the best of us in the future. there's plenty that will come across us together and as individuals therefore let us let go of the past. I also been blaming myself, ever since you left my mind was filled with tons of what if's. I felt like the worst person in this world for letting you leave like that knowing it probably had something to do with me. I failed as a leader and as a friend, I'm sorry.

after you departure I felt like there was something still incomplete. I couldn't apologize, I couldn't say goodbye, you were gone at that point and there I was, standing in our room with your side empty. no trace of you left behind. only your pillows smelled like you. I broke down somehow still hoping you'll come back but months started passing and suddenly it hit the one year mark. one year of guilt and pain. more time passes and your name hasn't been mentioned anymore. no one questions about our 8th member anymore. as if you were never here. everyone seemed to go on but i was still standing in the same room. our room which one side was still empty. after three years your scent on the pillow vanished. three years and i still feel the same guilt, the same pain. I heard from the others that they were not able to reach/contact you. I guessed if you didn't want to speak with the others, the last person you wanted to talk to was me. for the longest time I lived my life knowing I had still to apologize to you or else this feeling of incompleteness would stay.

I felt complete until you were gone again. that's when I realized it was you. when you're here, it just makes me feel safe. just the thought that I didn't have to worry about where you could be and what you could be doing gave me peace in my mind. I was complete, you made me complete. and with moon in my life, I never knew what I've been missing all this time. his love to me I never expected for someone this small could have, i haven't received this type of love ever. he taught me that I was also capable to love and to be loved. not just from fans online or friends or family but from our own son.

thank you for raising moon so well. he learned from you, back then you were the one between us giving and I was the one taking. I see a lot of you in him, not just his wonderful big eyes just as beautiful as yours but also the way he acts in different ways. he's just like you but looks more like me. thank you for still including me in his life when there was no sign of me anywhere. you did it without knowing what will happen, with the risk of me never even being there. I don't want to imagine life without him anymore even after such short of time. words cannot describe how much I love him. I believe there's no limit when it comes to loving someone. with that thank you for finding me even with the possibility rejection. just for your information , I would never reject you but you didn't know that then. I bet you were scared and nervous to come back and even disappointed when I left but now I can't be more then grateful for you to be back in my life. I hope you feel the same. after all the pain you and me went thru and all the hardships we had to face, I'm happy we're where we are right now.

but I'd be lying if I said I don't want more. I want us to be more. more than just calling each other every night casually talking about our days or laughing about silly jokes. I always felt differently about you then the others. there was something else, a feeling I only had with you and it wasn't just because we were born in the same year or because the others only teased the two of us. when we were separated there was a longing for you. I just always wanted to be in the same room as you. even if I said I hated skinship, I always wanted to be close to you and feel you somewhere and honestly I still feel the same. I still want to be in the same space as you and I like it when our hands brush against each other. it gives me the confirmation that you're really here. youre back with me and I don't have to live on, worrying about you. I want to hear your voice and see your smile. I know you hate it but I want to tease you and hear you whines about how much rather you want my love and affection.

I just want more, more of you.

but what if you wouldn't want that? I'm also writing this with a risk. maybe you don't want the same. maybe you want the exact opposite. I just wanted you to know how I really feel.
i wanted to say these words in order to let go. to go outside of my comfort zone and beyond my fears.

I hope our future consist of us being together. I don't care if we're enemies, friends or more. get rid of the phone calls, I'd rather talk to you in person about your day and listen to your jokes. I want to you, moon and me to be with each other and spend most of our days together. I want us to watch moon grow up together, walk him to school, pick him up again and solve our problems together.
i want to feel complete again.

I hope you heard these words coming from me in person,

I love you,

in so many different ways but to wrap it all in one, I love you. and I'm not planning to stop loving you. I love your eyes, your smile, your voice, your laugh and so much more. I love how much you love moon. and I love your person. the way you think, how smart you are, how affectionate you are when I'm the opposite, how hardworking you are and how strong your mentality is.

I love you. everything of you. so please love yourself too.

I hope the feelings are mutual or else this letter would be embarrassing. if that's not the case please burn this letter and let's act like it never happened.

when you read this I'll already be gone so take care of yourself and moon. we'll see each other in the city of our dreams. remember how much we used to talk about going there for tour?

meet me in paris again, I can't wait to see you.

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