**ON HIATUS** The People We Are Supposed To Be (Boyxboy)

Part 8

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TWs: deadnaming/misgendering, transphobia/internalized transphobia

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"Rachel!" 

I dug my fingers into my palms, trying to ignore the words. 

The deadnaming and misgendering had gotten more common over the past couple weeks. I kept trying to ignore it but it was starting to get under my skin. 

Why did my name and pronouns have to be something people cared so much about?

"Rachel, are you listening?" Darrin called again, running up next to me.

"Shut up, will you?" I sighed, not turning to look at him.

"What's wrong Rachel?" he teased. 

I didn't say anything and tried to walk away, but he grabbed my arm, turning me around, pulling me closer to him.

My heart started beating like crazy but it wasn't in a good way. Being trans, every time someone touched me, i was scared I wouldn't come out unscathed.

I opened my mouth to say something, when i heard footsteps walking towards us.

I turned, pulling away as I saw Alec walking towards us. I stepped away from him, hating the burning heat i still felt on my arm.

"Hey Chris, what's up?" Alec turned to Darrin, "Darrin right?"

"Hey," I answered, my voice hovering right above a whisper. I bit my lip, hoping i didn't sound that scared.

" Oh Rachel, who's this?" Darrin laughed.

Alec glanced over his shoulder, most likely looking for whoever Rachel was.

I held my breath, stepping back from both of them, my back pressing into the wall.

I wanted to get out of here. No, i needed to get out of here.

"Who are you talking to?" Alec asked slowly, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Oh, so you haven't told him?" Darrin smiled, turning to me.

"I- well-" I stuttered, trying to step back but running into the wall. I ran my fingers through my hair, looking down at my feet, not sure what to say.

This can't be happening right now.

"What is he talking about?" Alec turned to me, confusion painting his face.

"I- Alec-"

Darrin doubled over laughing.

"Oh wow, Rachel makes her first friend and she can't even tell him the truth!" 

"I-huh?" Alec stepped back, still obviously confused. I hated how he looked at me, his eyes begging for an answer.

"Rachel, i'm going to leave this one up to you, good luck," Darrin laughed again, walking away.

I tried to breathe as i sunk down to the floor.

No, no, no, no, this can't be happening. Fuck, not now, please not now.

I covered my mouth with my hand, my lungs refusing to work.

"Hey Chris, you know you can talk to me about anything right?," Alec said, sitting down next to me, taking my hand.

"I just- Alec i don't want to talk about it right now okay?" I sighed, tucking my knees into my chest and refusing to meet his eyes.

"Okay," he nodded, squeezing my hand.

I tried to think. 

What was i going to do? I was going to have to tell him about how i was trans now. I was going to tell him at some point but not like this, not now. I'm not ready.

But now, i didn't really have a choice. Well of course i could just not tell him anything. But no, i couldn't do that. He didn't deserve that. He deserved the truth not the lies i had been giving him.

He was my best friend. I couldn't continue to keep this from him. He was going to find out at some point, most likely through Darrin or Ashlynn. It was better to tell him myself.

But not right now.

I took a deep breath and stood up, not saying anything. Alec stood up next to me, squeezing my hand.

"Chris, i'm here if you need to talk okay? You don't need to tell me anything but if you want to talk about anything or if you need anything, i'm here okay? Even in the middle of the night. Whatever time, wherever, i'm here for you okay?"

I stared down at my feet, not meeting his eyes. 

I didn't deserve this from him. I didn't deserve this from anyone.

Why did he choose me of all people to be friends with? What did i have that the others didn't? I just lied to him and pretended to be something i wasn't.

"Thank you Alec," I whispered, slipping my hand from his and walked away.

Two questions swam through my head. 

How was i supposed to tell him?

And more importantly.

What was he going to think of me once he knew who i really was?

(word count: 723)