Rainy Weather (Kazurei)

Partly Cloudy

"Hey, you've been in here awhile. Are you okay?" Kazuki peered into my bedroom. I shut myself in here hours ago and haven't left. Trying to decipher the difference between right and wrong has been difficult "I'm fine." I keep my head hung low to avoid looking at him directly. "Have you eaten today? I know you didn't eat breakfast or lunch, so I brought you this." he presents a plate with a sandwich on it. "Not hungry." Truth be told that I'm starving, but I can't find the motivation to eat. Too on edge. "Let's go out tomorrow to forget our troubles for a bit. I can't remember the last time we had a day where it was just us. We can go right after dropping Miri off at daycare. You in?" If I say no he'll continue to pester me then drag me along regardless of my response. "I guess." I do appreciate the lengths he goes for me. Maybe I wouldn't have grown up this way if I had met him years ago. I never had friends. I had to keep to myself since I wasn't allowed to have contact with anyone outside the estate. It's pointless to dwell too much. "Then it's settled. Tomorrow you and I will live it up together and do whatever we want!" Kazuki declares confidently. I'm not exactly excited about being in public. I'd prefer it if we just stayed in and played video games instead, but I'll go along with whatever he's planning. Easier that way. "Is Miri already asleep?" I asked. "Yeah, she was exhausted when I brought her home. Apparently they had a big day of activities at her daycare. I check the time on my phone. 20:53. I spent all day sulking and I still can't manage to feel any better. The guilt is eating me up. I think Kazuki is right, spending time with him tomorrow might be a decent idea. Could help me in some kind of way...probably. If he decides we go to a casino like he usually does, I will leave and come back here. Watching all those women cling to him is annoying. Too loud. Too many people. Can't stand it. "Miri was asking about you all day. She wanted to come in to see you, but I decided it would be better to leave you alone for awhile. Where's Rei Papa? I wanna see Rei Papa. She was saying." Kazuki imitates Miri's voice poorly. "I'll go with you to drop her off tomorrow." I respond feeling guilty. I'm not the same man I was before. Little by little I can sense changes in me. Continuing my normal routine won't be acceptable going forward regardless of what path I take. I have to step up and be the person everyone needs me to be...but how? Could I ask Kazuki for advice? He seems to have no trouble with it normally. Always so happy to be there when needed...I'd like to be that way too...or at least try to be. The direction i'll go in the future is unknown, but I hope that I'm happy in the end. "Kazuki...how are you able to smile so much? With knowing what you do for a living and could possibly die any day. How can you do it?" I blurt out a question."Where is that coming from, Rei?" Kazuki looks at me confused. "I don't know...just curious."
"I like to make the most out of what I have and live in the moment. Thinking too far into the future is how you make yourself stressed out. I'm making peace with my past as you should too. We have someone depending on us both now. We can't afford to stay angry forever. I find happiness in the present." I wasn't expecting that serious of an answer, I figured he would make a joke at my expense."You make it sound easy." It is true that I smiled more as of recent than ever before in my life. Perhaps I am happy but unwilling to accept it. Do I believe I deserve happiness? "It can be that easy. I understand how you work...Generally anyhow. You don't speak much and you're always here at home playing your video games. You gotta get out and experience life to be able to fully appreciate it." Kazuki softly wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "I'll tell you what. I know you don't like being around a lot of people for extended periods of time, so we can find things to do that we'll both enjoy without breaking your boundaries." What do I even enjoy that I can't do here? "Like what?" I ask. "Hmm...how about we hit up an arcade? There's quite a few here in Fukuoka." Arcades. Haven't been to one ever. I know what they are, just didn't have any reason to go. "Sure, but I'll beat you at all the games." I decide to take a jab at him to see his reaction. "No doubts about that. You're the gamer here. Let's shoot for the highest scores so we can get all sorts of prizes." Kazuki smiled brightly. "Are you sure we shouldn't take Miri with us? I think this is something she'd like to do too." With how much she loves watching me play video games aside actually playing them, it would seem obvious that arcades would be compatible with her interests. "We can take her to the park after we get her from day care. This is a boy's only trip!" "Is that all you want to do?" I stop for moment and take in his scent. He's sitting so close our thighs are touching, not to mention his arm is still around me. He smells of vanilla. I wonder if he started using a new body wash or cologne. usually he smells like citrus. "We can go for lunch after. There's a new Italian restaurant I'm positive will be good." I'm a little shocked he's not wanting to go somewhere that serves more healthy food. He always complains that I need to eat better. In my defense however, I have been. Mainly because he's the one who does the grocery shopping. "I'll leave it to you then."