Rainy Weather (Kazurei)

Overcast Skies

  We returned to Fukuoka after a few days of sitting around doing nothing at the hideout. I'm struggling with a weird strong emotion lately. Kazuki has been understanding of what I'm going through. He told me that I'm experiencing grief which is new to me. I haven't ever lost someone I cared for before. Isaka-san was the first person in my life to have shown genuine care for me, the fact she's really gone doesn't feel real.
"Are you finally awake?" Kazuki asks me in a very soft voice. I must have accidentally fallen asleep. I'm laying against his chest while also being on his lap. This is a kind of embarrassing position to be in, but it is comfortable. "Yeah." I lift up my head only to be met with Kazuki's arms smushing me up against him again right away. "I love you." he whispers in my ear sending chills down my spine. "I..." I try to say it back, but it's hard. I do feel that way about him and I would like to be able to express it the same way he does. It's just not easy for me. "I know you do, Rei." he kisses my forehead. "We need to look through those files today." "I agree, but that can wait. After all our hard work...and what was lost, we deserve some time to relax and enjoy being here at home together." As much as I want to say that work is more important than sitting around, I can't bring myself to. I'm at ease here in his lap being content with his warmth against my skin. "Okay. I still feel sick from last night anyway." "You did get pretty drunk, so that's understandable. Although, you didn't have much to drink so I didn't expect you to get intoxicated like that." Kazuki chuckled. "I don't ever get drunk, that was probably the first time in a few years." The two of us had some mindless fun, parts of which I am unable to recall off hand. What I can remember is making a fool of myself with Kazuki to which led to us sleeping together on the couch, everything else is a blur. "That must have been before I moved in with you because you've always just stuck to one or two beers whenever we drank together." "It was. I bought a bottle of whiskey after I got the apartment as a little thing to commemorate not being homeless anymore." "Ah, I see. That's an excellent thing to celebrate. You should have invited me." "I didn't know you enough to reach out, and I preferred to be alone." Talking about the old times isn't my favourite topic. "I know. Aren't you glad you got to know to me though? Wink wink." He flashes a teasing grin. "Mphhh!" I groan at his flirting. "Hehe, anywayyyy, I'll make breakfast for us." "Hey, put me down." Whenever Kazuki stood up, he chose to take me with him instead of letting me get off. "I only wanted to touch you for little longer before I start cooking." he sets me down in the kitchen. "So what would you like to eat?" "French toast." "Won't even let me cook a proper meal...Just kidding, coming right up." Kazuki puts on his signature shark apron before getting to work. "I'll be back, I'm going to grab something from my room." Truth be told, I want a moment alone. "Alright, I shall be down. Don't be long, french toasts cooks fast."
I head up the stairs to my seldomly used bedroom and shut the door behind me. "Why would you leave?" Not now. How should I feel? Emotions are complicated. I can't control them. I went from not being able to feel much of anything at all to feeling everything at once and not being able to make any sense of it. It's...overwhelming. Take a deep breath. Calm yourself down. You're okay. "Isaka-san, I don't believe you're dead. You would never die so easily." I speak words to the air that will never reach its recipient. She can't be dead. I refuse to accept that as a fact. "Isn't that right, Sora?" I ask the blue cat plushy on my bed. "She wouldn't leave us." What am I doing? I'm glad Kazuki is with me, I wouldn't survive this without him. I shouldn't be alone. I shouldn't. When I'm alone is when all the bad thoughts come back to haunt me. This was a bad idea to come up here. There will come a time when Kazuki won't be there to save you. He always will. Since the day I met him, he's been there for me regardless of if I wanted help from him or not.
Kazuki's personality causes him to be very mother-like, in other words. Overbearing...however, that's something I came to love about him. I can think about Kazuki instead. That's better. That day we officially got together, I thought it was just a dream. An odd dream. Feeling him touch me all over for the first time was even odder. I had never thought about sex or any physical intimacy for that matter. To me before, relationships were a pointless connection between two people. Falling in love is how you die. Falling in love has made me realise that I want to live. I used to not care if I survived a job or not. Because if I died, no one would have cared much and I'd get to rest. Now that Kazuki is here, I learned that everything I thought I knew wasn't true. Life doesn't have to be an endless cycle of killing and abuse, and it's not. My life now isn't anything like I could have possibly imagined , it's not the greatest now, but I have to fight just a little longer so Kazuki and I can live together in peace. "Everything will be okay, Sora." I pick up the plush cat from the bed. "Just you wait." Is it pathetic for an adult man to talk to a toy cat? Probably... "Isaka-san's death won't be in vain." It's dumb, but after I was given this toy, I used it to practice conversation. I didn't improve much, so eventually I started talking to it because there was no one around rather than for practice.
"Rei, the food is just about ready!" Kazuki yells from downstairs. Take it one day at a time. I will be okay. I will survive. I amazed that I was able to calm myself down. Normally it's an impossibility. Time to return to Kazuki.