Behind the Smile | TodoBakuDeku | Book 1

Chapter 9

Midoriya's POV

He didn't leave my side the entire time. Everywhere I went, Dark Deku was right there taunting me. Pulling me further and further down. I couldn't let them know, though. I refused to let them worry. As far as Kacchan and Todoroki knew, I had it under wraps. They knew Dark Deku existed in my mind because I was a fool and let it slip in the hospital, but they didn't know he was still with me every second of every day and night.

"Tell them to leave already. You know they're only here because they don't trust you. If you were to kill yourself, they would be blamed because you made them keep your little secret. They're only here out of self-preservation." Dark Deku hissed in my ear.

I tried to ignore him and focus on Kacchan and Todoroki. They were talking about making plans for next weekend, as if I was going to be miraculously cured. The problem was, deep down I believed Dark Deku about the fundamentals of the quirk. For some reason, I didn't think Aizawa would be able to cancel it out, but I had no idea why. It was just a feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Ring. Ring.

"Tell me you got 'em," Kacchan growled into the phone. There was a pause as the person on the other end spoke.

Placing a hand on Kacchans knee to get his attention, Todoroki interrupted, "put it on speaker."

Kacchan's cheeks briefly flushed at Todoroki's touch, before swatting his hand away, while rolling his eyes. "Fine. You're on speaker. I've got Icy Hot and Downer Deku with me."

Todoroki gave him a swat on the back of the head, with a scolding look. "I told you not to call him that!" He quietly hissed. Kacchan just waved him off and rolled his eyes once more.

"Midoriya, we were able to subdue Psycho Flip and I canceled out his quirk. How are you feeling?" Aizawa asked.

It didn't work. I knew it wouldn't. I looked to my right and saw Dark Deku laughing at me. "You should just tell them it worked so they'll leave you the fuck alone. The more they know, the worse of a friend you are. You don't want to bring them down with you, do you?" The other me taunted.

He was right. Even if it didn't work, I needed to keep this to myself. As long as it was affecting me, it couldn't hurt anyone else. I'd found ways to cope. To manage the pain. To quiet down the thoughts. 'I can do this on my own. I will figure out a way to end this quirk for good, but I can't do it with them breathing down my neck. I need to grin and bear it. It's the only way.'

I yanked my hands into the sleeves of my hoodie, so they couldn't see as I dug my nails into my palm. I let the sting takeover any other pain I might have been showing. It was time to put on the best act of my life.

I perked up and wiped my lingering tears, forcing a smile and cheerfully saying, "Thank you, Mr. Aizawa! I feel much better. I'm so happy you were able to take him down. Did you have a chance to speak with him? Maybe if you could analyze his quirk against the..." I began rambling just like I normally would. Part of the reason was to keep up the facade, but another was because the wheels in my head refused to stop spinning in an attempt to find answers.

"Stop your damn muttering, nerd!" Kacchan interrupted me.

"Leave Midoriya alone. He's been through a lot. Wouldn't you rather see him doing that than crying?" Todoroki defended me.

"Tch!" Kacchan huffed and rolled his eyes. "Fine, whatever. Mumble all you want Deku, just as long as I don't have to deal with your depressed ass anymore."

"And here I thought you liked his ass," Todoroki deadpanned. Kacchan responded by choking on air and lunging forward to swat Todoroki. He was too slow though, because Todoroki had already made his way to the other side of me. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close to his. It took everything in me to force a small chuckle. I may have wanted to be held by Todoroki for the longest time, but he was only doing it so I'd step in and keep the peace.

"All right problem children, I expect you in your rooms with lights out by the time I get back. We'll talk about this more tomorrow." Aizawa instructed. "And Midoriya?"

"Yes, Mr. Aizawa?"

"I'm glad to have you back. It'll be nice to see that smile of yours again, kid."

I dug my nails in even deeper to keep from crying. 'Focus on the pain in my hands, not my heart.'

"Thanks, Mr. Aizawa. I'm glad to get back to normal, too. Goodnight!"

__

As soon as Kacchan and Todoroki left I closed and locked the door, sliding down to the floor. "Shit!" I hissed, slamming my head against the door behind me.

"Well that was eventful," Dark Deku said, as he twirled around on my desk chair. "You actually made a decent move for once. Good for you. There's no point involving them in your issues. Why get help from others when it's your responsibility to take care of it on your own."

"Would you please just shut up for once?" I spat through clenched teeth. If this was going to be my life, I had hoped to at least find a way to silence my demonic shadow.

"Sadly, no. I'm with you till the end, whether you like it or not. If it makes you feel better, it's not like I want to be here either. I can't stand the sight of you. You're weak and frail, and certainly not a worthy successor to All Might."

I punched my fist into the ground, leaving myself with bloodied and throbbing knuckles. "I said shut up!"

"If you really want some quiet, you know what to do," Dark Deku chuckled as he tossed me a black shoe box from under my bed.

I immediately threw the box back at him, "No! I can't keep doing that."

"You can," he said, picking up the box and placing it in my lap. "Remember, you deserve this. You're worthless and pathetic. Someone like you needs to be punished. Not to mention, it helps doesn't it?"

I frantically shook my head, resulting in a hard smack to the face. "Don't you dare lie to me! It helps! It's needed. It's what you deserve."

'It does help. It clears my head. It focuses the pain, and stops the thoughts. Stops him. Not for a long amount of time, but at least long enough for my mind to settle. For me to think. I need to think.'

I opened the box to reveal medical supplies, razors and a pair of scissors. I pulled my sweatshirt off and was left shirtless, with both arms wrapped tightly in red and pink tinged gauze. I didn't feel like taking off the wrappings yet because they were relatively fresh. That would have just been a waste.

'Where do I do this? Not the arms? Where do I...I need to do it soon. I can't think. I need to think. I can't breathe. Where do I...'

There was no time to wait. I was starting to hyperventilate and there was only one way I knew to stop it. I placed the cold blade against my stomach and pressed down, dragging it from one side to the other, making one long clean cut.

I let out a breath of relief as I focus on this new pain. It was a good pain. I watched red pearls of blood begin to trickle down. I normally would do many smaller cuts, so I didn't expect the amount of pain or blood it would draw.

'Did I press too hard?' I was growing more light headed by the second, as I put pressure on the cut with my sweatshirt. The pressure stung. The pain felt right. But I needed to stop the bleeding. I couldn't die just yet.

I grabbed the medical gauze and started wrapping it tightly around my midsection. The tighter it I pulled, the quicker the bleeding would stop. Once I taped it off, I cleaned up any blood on the floor and tucked the box back under my bed.

I was finally hit with the silence I had longed for. Dark Deku was still in the corner grinning at me with a sinister gaze, but he was silent. I couldn't save anyone from this quirk if I didn't have a chance to think. 'I can't think if he consumes me. If I've got to keep doing this to shut him up, I have no choice.'