Sinfully Angelic

Chapter 01

01 : fake it till you make it

Living with a different face everyday didn't make me forget who I originally was. All these wounds and scars reminded me of her—of the devil inside. And it was my daily torment of staring at myself in the mirror.

I'd rather have my eyes burned by looking straight at a solar eclipse sun than looking at myself and seeing a mistake. Wish I hadn't been born. That was what she said.

I couldn't help but tighten the grip on the edge of the sink by remembering the thought. Droplets of water were visible on my tired face within my reflection. When I had been splashed with a pail of cold water just a few minutes ago during my sleep, I thought it was the end of me.

I could still imagine how my eyes popped out, gasping for air when the water went straight into my nose. It registered in my half-asleep mind that I was drowning. I thought I would die as I coughed and squirmed on the bed.

But it was merely one of the dying moments I had. I experienced worse than that.

Her audacity to have waken me up like that for oversleeping, and then ask me not to spill a word about her cruelty to my father. The same father who was gone for another good two weeks, but now he was finally home again. And him being home wouldn't make my life any better.

Dapat ko bang ipagpasalamat ang naligtas kong buhay kani-kanina lang, gayong isang malaking pagdudusa na naman ang kakaharapin ko?

I exhaled a small breath and bent down to wash the droplets off before looking at myself in the mirror once more. Mariing ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata at nagtagis ang aking mga ngipin. The day had to start worse again. I mean, when did it get better, anyway?

Is that girl really me? I didn't mean to ask at the hideous sight in front. The girl looked pitiful. But then again, did I even deserve to feel sorry for myself after all the things I had done?

Parang hindi ko na kilala kung sino ang babaeng nakikita ko sa kaharap na salamin. Ang bagsak na mga balikat at itim na eyebags sa ilalim ng kaniyang mga mata ay nagpahayag ng lubos na kapaguran. Enthusiasm had been snatched out of her soul. Such pale and dry skin could pass for a ghost.

Wala sa sariling hinipo ko ang maasul at lilang marka sa aking balat kung kaya'y napangiwi ako. Of course, it would sting, stupid. Bagong pasa na naman iyon na nakuha ko noong nakaraang araw, pangatlo ngayong linggo. Foolish me, why do I always make the same mistake, anyway? I never learned.

One deep sigh came out of my mouth before I turned away from the mist-covered rectangular reflector. I stripped off the dirty clothes for a cold shower to numb my bruises.

Wala sa sariling bumaba ako sa hagdan pagkatapos na ayusin ang sarili. Ginugol ako ng kinse minutos, sapat lang para matakpan ng kaunting makeup ang nakadudurog-puso na imahe ng babae sa salamin kanina.

Bumungad sa ilong ko ang masangsang na amoy ng alak ni Dad. The redolent liquor informed me that he was really home. It was still six-thirty in the morning based on my wristwatch, and he had finished two bottles already.

Anong oras ba siya bumalik?

Umiwas ako nang pasadahan niya ako ng tingin at nagtagpo ang aming mga mata. As I had expected, he didn't look at me like he was looking at his daughter. His soulless eyes reflected as if I were no one significant in his sight—an utter disappointment that he immediately looked away. He didn't even bother to mutter and continued chugging his bottle.

Hindi naman na ako nagtaka pa. It had always been like this, and he had always been like that.

Natania, my stepmother, glared at me sharply when our eyes met before she glanced at the empty chair that paralleled Dad's, suggesting I sit. I caught on her cue, pero hindi naalis sa akin ang pag-aatubili nang mapagtanto ang umagahang nakahain sa mesa.