Psyche and Eros

Questions Unsaid

I awake to the feeling of arms pulling me tighter from behind. I swear it's a part of my dream-

Then the realization hits. My husband came home, and caught me once again trying to sniff out information. It was all in a library he gave me free reign over. He didn't have to put those books in there - but still! I feel rather guilty about it.

I squirm in his arms and open my eyes, confirming from the sunlight pouring through the large windows that the whole night has passed and likely most of the morning. I feel as if I have been put under a sleeping curse. 

"Morning," he merely whispers, kissing my temple without urgency. There is no sense of upset in his demeanor, but that doesn't mean him perfectly enough to know. There are too many sides of him left unseen. 

I roll and turn into his chest with my eyes closed. "You carried me to bed last night, didn't you?" 

"I did." 

"From the library." I needlessly add. 

"Yes? What of it?" 

"I think I saw you - your arms at least." I admit. From what I saw I certainly liked, not that I have need to say that. It goes without saying that I am more than eager to admire every part of him. If it needs to be done individually, part by part, then so be it. 

He grumbles and pulls me closer into his embrace. "That's my mistake. I didn't think you would remember, you were so out of it."

I turn in his arms, shrug and give a quick peck to his collarbone. "No harm done...your identity is safe for now." 

He doesn't respond with words, only pulls me in tighter, the softness of his hair brushing against my cheek. The action strikes a small sadness in me.

Something that would inevitably grow throughout the day without unstoppable speed. 

*         *          *          *         *

The entire rest of the day, I was waiting in suspense. The unsaid questions lie in the air. 

I'm not sure why he would torture me like this! It was enough to lodge my heart in my throat. Alexander insisted that he doesn't need to pry and left it at that, but I know his mind must be racing like mine, wondering what I truly found out from my reading. 

If I knew for sure who he was, would I even confront him? Even if I did, would that spring forward any danger? Would it really cause any more issue with us besides his insistence on staying hidden? Is there are any point in that anymore?

It feels like it will always be this way. One day I might be doomed to grow sick of it. That thought pains me. The idea that my patience is not as endless as I need it to be. I am imperfect human with human wants, waiting for things beyond what I deserve. 

I could feel his eyes following me wherever I walked. Even now, as I wipe our kitchen counter. 

Eventually, in the middle of dusting, the anxiety burst in my chest and I left downstairs, trampling up the stairs in a panic to go to my private bedroom without a word. I could hear my husband ask what was wrong, but I did not answer. As soon as the door was closed behind me, a flood of tears finally escaped. 

I hated that I would have the urge to cry when I should be happy. I am growing more and more fond of Alexander and still... 

...It just feels like it's all about to collapse. 

After leaving me be for a moment, I hear a gentle knock from the other side. His soft voice, asking if I was alright. 

"I just need a moment, Alexander." I whisper, barely audible. I know he hears me nonetheless. I can hear him sigh in return. 

After a moment of silence, he responds. "I'll stay downstairs until you are ready, if that is what you wish...just know that I adore you, and want to do anything I can to fix this for us...I will, when I can." 

I lightly laugh out of embarrassment once my tears have finally begun to dry. "You are quite experienced in dealing with distressed women, aren't you?" 

He only laughs, neither denying or agreeing. I picture him leaning against the door on the other side.

I sigh, placing my own hand against it. Even apart, I him here beside me. "You do have blonde hair, don't you?"

He sighs, while I listen intently.

"...Yes." He admits.

I smile to myself. "Aha. One feature down...only half a dozen more to go."

"Not a dozen?"

"No. Eyes, height, face, nose, ears and mouth to go." I insist, more playfully.

Alexander chuckles. "...are you sure there's nothing else you would like to see?"

I blush furiously, thankful to be hidden on the other side of this door. "I've already seen your arms. Maybe...shoulders and chest would be nice too."

"Mhmm...I'm sure. Is there anything I can bring you for now, my beautiful one?"

I think for a brief moment. "Nothing for now, but I think I may want to see my family soon. If you believe that could be possible."

The question hangs in the air for a moment. "I could never deny you that." Alexander finally answers. "We will speak about making those arrangements soon. I promise."

"I could send a letter for now." I suggest.

He agrees. "I will ensure it is delivered."

A weight is lifted off of my chest. "I will get to writing it then!"

He chuckles. "Good. I'm glad...all you had to do was ask, my love. Tell me if you need anything else."

His soft steps echo through the hall before I hear the flutter of his wings. Gosh, I really am jealous of that ability.

I decide to lay down from there. Clearly I am in dire need of sleep and resolve. Hopefully the quiet will bring more peace. Enough to compose my letter legibly and rationally.

I suppose I am thankful to still have my own room for these types of moments. We all need our own space - even when married, it turns out.