New Feelings

Passing

I turned around the frozen room and made my way between the regretful family members. Little Mathew, still in my arms, was looking over my shoulder towards his family. For what might be the last time in this world?

I took it slow, step by step. The spirits of the sick and dying were filling in the noiseless void around us, in their struggle for understanding. They covered well the crying of my nephew. His head was tucked in my shoulder, crying his heart out, as the emotions overcome him.

I walked ahead through the agitated halls of the hospital, the real world standing still. I carried on crying with every step. I was full of remorse and regret for my actions. I arrived at the entry of the hospital. I stood in place, little Matthew crying and clutching even harder at my coat. I closed my eyes, letting out a deep sigh. As I opened the door, a ray of sunshine came through.

Completely out of the hospital, I was standing on the sandy beach I had found myself previously with Matthew. The birds were flying above us and the chill wind was gently caressing our faces, as we moved forward. The fresh, salty smell of the sea became ever so powerful, as I was going towards its bank. Along our trip, the little kid stopped crying and was looking around him. With each step I took, his face slowly took on a peaceful expression. Something I saw each time, as people came to terms with their deaths.

Standing on the shore of the sea, Matthew pulled on my shoulder, looking up towards me, lips spread towards the side in a smile.

"Thank you, Uncle Sam! I was scared... I did not want them to see. I wanted to be brave for them."

"It's normal to be scared Matt. It's normal. That's what makes you so brave. Moving forward, even though you are scared." I replied.

"I see." he looks downward in thought. He then raises his head towards me again, continuing.

"I also was brave, 'cause you were there. You seemed so sad, with all those people around us, but you always helped them. That's brave! So I wanted to be like you, even for a moment."

I bit my lip in frustration, putting my hand over my nephew's head, and closing it towards my chest. I kissed him, as I struggled to hold back my tears. I put him down slowly, his empty feet feeling the warm sand below us.

"I also felt safe. You look a bit scary, but you are really warm, uncle. I am so lucky to have you!" he smiled back. I answer back with a smile.

For a few moments, time stood in place, as we both gazed over the sea before us.

"Will you be ok, uncle?" Matthew asked me.

"What do you mean?"

"You seem to be the most affected. It must be hard. Why not talk to aunt Adele?"

"It's... It's complicated..."

"How?"

"How... How I am now, it's hard to describe. I don't want to burden your aunt with this side of me and my feelings."

"Why not? Mommy and daddy said that when you love someone you share everything with them. The bad and the good. They also said that whoever loves you, will accept you as you are, if you love them back."

"Your mommy and daddy know their stuff, eh? Maybe I will... Talk to Adele."

"Good luck, uncle!" Matthew gave me one of his short sweet smiles. I responded the same.

"It's getting warmer, and I'm feeling a lot better now." - my nephew started to feel the light. The warmth and easiness that accompanied it. A door would appear soon as well.

"Look there."

I pointed towards the sea, a few meters ahead of us. A white door, a thick timber frame, with a halo of light was standing on the sea. The waves went around it. A light tune covered the air around us. My nephew pulled on my hand, looking at me.

"Is that it?"

"Yes... Yes, it is."

"Can you come with me?"

"I'm sorry, Matt. In this part of the journey, you must make it yourself. But I'll be here. Until you go through." I smile at my nephew.

Looking up, he pouted slightly. He then beckoned me at his level. Lowering on my knees, he then proceeds to give me the tightest hug ever. I respond, hugging him back. Kissing my cheek, he turned around and started walking towards the water.

After a few steps, he started laughing, as he was walking on the sea. Joyously, he hopped and skipped towards the door. I smiled as I took in this last moment. For I knew, unlike the others in my family, this was to be the last time I ever saw him. I started crying again, not moving my sight from him. A feeling of loneliness took me over. As he reached for the door, Matthew stopped. He turned around one last time. He waved at me, his innocent smile still on his face.

"I love you, Uncle Sam! Take care, and thank you for everything!"

The little boy shouted his last words to me. As he opened the door, a bright light shone towards me. I saw Matt's shadow happily running inside. The door closed with an echoing bang, before fading away into the abyss.

The loneliness pressed on me, as my smile turned sour. It was the first time a parting hurt so badly. First time I experienced this. I was scared at the fact that it will also not be the last.

As I walked towards the hospital door, the weather around me changed. The sea was roaring behind me. The sand flew everywhere, giving the wind a cutting edge. The blue sky turned dark and cold, and heavy rain fell upon me. This medium...

It was me. Myself. I was raging once more against my futility and inability to do anything. I never could, and never will be able to go against mother nature. I can only wallow in my inability, as my job felt harder than it had ever been.

Walking back slowly through the hospital halls I glanced around. Copies of myself dealing with those whose time had come. I felt just empathy. Nothing as bad as it was just mere moments ago. Still, I felt sad. My copies stopped and looked at me as I glanced at the floor, dragging my hand along the wall, as I thought of the loneliness I felt. I just wanted to share it. Share my feelings and weights. They finally became too much. It was time to face my fears. Tell Adele the truth. Hope that she accepted me. For now more than ever I wanted to be in her arms. And cry, cry myself out.

Arriving back in the room, I looked at the frozen frame. I hesitated to go into my body, as it now clutched the lifeless remnants of my nephew. Yet it was time to face it...

Reality...