New Feelings

Mourning and Peace

I opened my eyes as I settle back within my body. I can feel the warmth of Matthew's body fading away. His chest stopped, the pulse line flattening on the screen. I heard his mother crashing and screaming out loud. His dad shouts out for help. The brother was holding Jeanette. Adele was holding back James, out of the way of the staff. I was pushed aside, my hands drifting as they let go of the soulless body of my nephew. Everything seemed in slow motion. Everything felt deaf. A small echo of each sound in my ear. I stood motionless looking at my hands, as the nurses began CPR on Matt's small body. For the first time in my life, my hands were shaking.

As the time of death is pronounced, I snap back to reality. Despite being there for little Matthew and knowing everything that had happened, I felt shaken to my core. Looking towards me was Adele. Chocolate eyes, wet, tears draining down her face. Her hand was on my cheek; the other wiping my tears away. She hugged me. I see a destroyed family across. Jeanne and James holding Alex, who was crying loudly. I grasp my wife tighter in my arms, as I continue crying. It went on for hours...

The next days faded. I can barely remember anything of those moments. All I remember is black, white and grey. All I heard was a silent tone. It was the first time my human body moved on its own, while my mind wondered about it. I snap back into it, seeing myself at my nephew's funeral. Adele was holding my hand. Just us and the family around the casket. It was being lowered into the ground, with the priest saying the last words before the body would be put to eternal slumber.

Arriving back home, I was ready to come clean. I took a deep sigh, as I rested on the couch in the centre of the cabin. Across me is the chair where William sat. Where it all started. Adele took off her shoes, snugging herself into me, and holding my hand. I lay back, my wife putting her head on my chest.

"That hurt. He didn't deserve any of that. It's all my fault..." I began.

"Indeed, he was so young. He did not deserve it... But what can we do? It's nobody's fault."

"But it is... It's my fault. Because of what I did years ago, Matthew had to suffer. So did you and James and his family. It's my fault..."

"Sam. Speak plainly. What are you on about?"

"It's... It's hard to explain..."

"Sam... On with it. I'm not exactly in the mood for it, especially when it comes to family."

"Ok... Don't move."

As we lay there, I put my hand in the air. Adele followed with her eyes my movement. I snapped my fingers. The space froze. The clock stopped in its tracks. I raised myself from my body. Adele stood a bit back... But... She... She wasn't surprised... She looked at me in my real form. Black eyelids, silver eyes; dark, messy long hair; skin as white as snow, angelic tattoos all over my body... I was the one with the shocked expression. I asked with a crackling voice.

"How long?"

"Before my dad's funeral... A couple of days before he died... He told me his suspicions, but I thought he was playing. Since then I've just put one with another. I was just waiting for you to say something."

She calmly answered me, with a sad but emphatic expression on her face.

"I... I was afraid... It is the first time I felt about someone the way I do about you. I kept it secret, cause I did not want to lose you."

"Death, afraid... Hmphhh" she let out a small giggle.

"Are you not scared? A lot of people are..."

"Why? It's still you... Just with a bit of extra baggage... I'm guessing... This is why you consider it your fault?"

"Yes... I was supposed to help your father pass over years sooner. Suffice it to say... a meeting with Mother Nature let me realise it was my fault for Matthew's suffering. One of the visions was Matthew becoming a better man and scientist than his grandpa ever was... If he was collected on time... It's been eating at me for weeks... I was selfish and went against what I was supposed to do. It only brought misery. An eternal as myself should not have been egotistical... It's wrong... It's selfish... It's..."

"It's human. If we are to be made by the same creator, why would you think that you were not given the same gifts we have? Feelings are the most powerful gifts. While it makes us weak, it also makes us strong. It let us ponder and overcome. Would you not think that maybe this was just how it's supposed to be? You feel so much, to make you stronger. My love... Why don't you stop blaming yourself."

"Because I can't... I'm not a human... I admire humanity, but I am merely a servant of its souls. But now I can't live without it, whereas before I just drifted without any problems. I'm scared. Your souls... They know peace and rest. I do not. I've been here for aeons. I saw you pass through each stage of your existence, and helped you go peacefully to the next stage. I cannot handle it. I thought I could, but loving people so much... You will eventually wither and die... I'll be alone... I will help you pass, but I will have nothing, just as before. But different. For now, I know how it is to have everything. You... You should blame me. If not for me the universe would have kept Matt..."

"Maybe. Maybe Matt would be alive. Maybe you would be you from then. No love, just job. Maybe then we would have never met. Maybe Matt would not have been born at all. You are a supernatural being, yet you are as human as us, my love. You said it yourself. Mother Nature showed you an alternate future. But how would you know it would have been that future? If not for you, then I would not know your love. And you would not know what it is to be loved. Why think about that which passed? It is in our nature to die. When we do, it is not for us to decide. Not even for the angel of death. Only the universe knows. Why should I blame you for that which no one can control? I love you even more than when I met you. And do not wish for any change. I am grateful for what you told me, and I will be here, my love, for you, if you are here for me."