°•○♡ poetry ♡○•°

Sitting in silence

Warning : mentions of suicide and death

March 18, 2023

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"Disappearing like the cold wind,
My body shivers at the touch,
The words I wish to say don't carry the meaning,
The tears, the rage the heart ache-
I can only do so much.

How much longer do I sit in silence?
How much longer till the rope I hold onto snaps?
I wish for it all to end,
The pain to go away,
But I continue to sit in silence,
Fighting the battles that you don't wish to see.

My life has been a mess,
Yet the smile I show is strong,
I smile for others but for myself, it's gone.

I stare up at the ceiling, as my thoughts go on and wonder,
Whispering in my ear- 'Go on, it'll be quick, you won't feel a thing',
...Why didn't I stop there?

Those quiet steps down the stairs,
Past the living room and into the kitchen,
Yet I stood still- staring-
Hearing the rain on the window,
No one could stop me,
Yet I stopped myself.

I took a step forward,
Unlocked the door,
Hearing the wind past me without a care,
In that moment- that time of night,
I felt free and so much delight,
I didn't want to go back,
Had every opportunity to run,
So why did I stay?
What was holding me down?
I looked up at the sky feeling the rain hit my face,
Why couldn't the world just take me away from this place?

I return to the place I'm supposed to call home,
A safe place yet it chilled me to the bone,
I take one more look at that knife I seen before,
Remembering who had done it and escaped death once more . . .

Oh I wish my turn had come,
Yet I had no courage,
One deep breath and it was quickly forgotten,
Tip toeing back up to my bedroom,
My hair was still wet yet my heart never felt clear,
Only for the time being,
Until it had to return back to my new norm.

I wish I could cry so there was no more tears,
Scream till my lungs had no more air,
Run till there was no where left to hide,
And maybe one day smile knowing that it could be mines.

Sitting in silence is the worst thing to do,
Thinking about your traumatic past,
Or how you've hurt people that did nothing to you-
The blood that you cleaned,
Or the tears that had been leaked,
Staring in the mirror until your disgusted by what you see,
Asking yourself 'Am I the monster that I didn't wish to be?'.

There's so much more that I wish to say,
More words that you'll probably forget and be on with your day,
So I'll just sit in silence,
Rocking my feet,
Wishing that everyday would be as perfect as can be.

A person can only wish for so much,
If I had to be grant one wish,
It would be for death to end all my suffering,
But I can't do anything in my state of mind,
So I'll sit in silence,
Waiting for my time,
So like I said- just be on with your day,
Forget about me,
'I'll be okay' is what I'm supposed to say,
A measure of reassurance,
All lies, all the same,
Wearing a mask that has two sides,
I'll show you the one that smiles,
Because no one wants to know what's on my mind.

Sitting in silence,
Watching what goes on,
As death whispers in my ear,
More louder and with a gasp-
My heart pounds and my body tenses-
Before he leaves with a smirk on his face,
I'm left alone,
Sitting in silence,
Waiting for his next visit, wishing he could help me escape."

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