How to Survive South Park

A Brand New Reality

I cough up blood as the now Nazi-Zombified Stan pulls out the sword he just impaled through my back.

'The vials. He wasn't aiming at me, was he? No wonder his throw looked like shit.'

I then fall to my knees as I glance around what's left of the balcony. The Fortress of Darkness, or what's left of it, is now mostly rubble burning to the ground. A zombified Kyle seems to have just finished infecting Cartman while Jimmy is shouting something german at a pinned down Butters. The other zombies around town are closing in to the fortresses' remains like an unending tidal wave.

'And here I thought the time travelers shown in TV and movies were just shit at their jobs. Who knew it'd be this hard beating the game even with a future cheat sheet? Not me I guess.'

The undead abomination resembling a unicorn stands back up, cyan colored flames roaring in the wind. If it had a face, it would probably be snarling right now.

I finally turn back towards the fart cloud in front of me as Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny walks out covered in a Dire Shroud. An aura of green flames dances around him as he forms a giant green scythe out of them preparing for a Soul Slash to cut me in two with.

'So that's how he protected his balls. Damn, never thought things would backfire this badly. Sorry, everyone. I guess I just wasn't cut out to save this small, quiet little mountain town.'

*SEVERAL DAYS AGO*

"Left... Right... Up... Right... Down, and then... c'mon, parents. For once in your lives, be competent at your fucking jobs!" I mutter, hyperfocused on the computer screen in front of me.

About 2 minutes later, I nail the first part of Giggling Donkey skip and reset my timer for about 90 seconds, selling everything I need to at Kupa Keep and buying the necessary amount of mana potions before New Kid's parents come to ground the guy again.

They finally show up after going in and out of Cartman's tent a few times and ground New Kid just as I start the cutscene to enter Giggling Donkey, completing the glitch and skipping both Mr. Slave's summon mission and the invasion of Jimmy's house.

This skip may only save a few minutes, but that's actually quite a bit of time in an RPG like this one.

The alien section for Night 1 goes by in a flash thanks to having the Australian version of the game which skips a handful of some of the more 'explicit' scenes. The EU version of the game has something similar, but this version was easier for me to get my hands on.

"Come on..."

The goth quest line goes fine enough.

"Come onnnnn..."

The school invasion on Day 2 starts out great with me even pulling ahead of the record time by a few seconds.

But alas...

"NOOOOOO! FUCKING FUCK! FUCK YOU, HUMANS!!!"

My timing for using Sneaky Squeaker and blowing up the makeshift barrier's right side in the center of South Park Elementaries' main entrance was a bit off and only three out of the four human soldiers were caught in the blast.

My latest run falls apart from there with me misclicking during the boss fight against Kyle, using a Sneaky Squeaker instead of the Dragon Shout required to instantly skip to the leaf blower quick-time event.

That's another 40 or so minutes I'm never getting back.

"Mmfp mpf mfph mff mfphm mpf mfhfph!"

"Not in a fucking speedrun it doesn't. Slow and steady loses the race, Ken!" I grumble while eyeing down my Kenny McCormick plush.