How to Survive South Park

Ignorant

The door to the dimly lit backroom creaks open as I slowly enter the abyss. Dozens of hisses then echo around the room and I freeze while keeping calm and track where the hostile cries are originating from.

"You'll PAY for interfering in our dark festivities!"

"Stay away, mortal!"

I summon my signature weapons to my sides with my bleeding red scepter appearing to my right and a giant scythe made entirely out of dark purple flames to my left. The glows of their respective colors illuminate the entrance with the vamp kids hiding in its cracks, shuddering in fear before retreating back into the darkness.

"Karen is one of us now!"

"BEGONE!!"

The hisses continue as I turn towards every part of the room, weapons raging with overwhelming power at the ready for when the army of the night decides to stri-

(("Well, someone's certainly feeling a bit dramatic today."))

GOD DAMNIT, TIMMY! I'M TRYING TO MAKE THIS SOUND COOL WHICH IS REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT WHEN MY OPPONENTS ARE FUCKING VAMP KIDS!

(("Well, they were smart enough to turn those strobe lights off this time around. They're still just vampire cosplayers though."))

'Well then, since you don't want me to hype them up, I'll just hype myself up.' I take out my phone and have it play 'Kingbreaker' by Audiomachine.

"Sorry about that. I was distracted by an annoying ass troll of a telepath. So shall we continue? You said I would pay for fucking your party up, right? Let's see if you have some actual bite with your bark with those fake fangs of yours."

A couple vamp kids jump down and charge towards me. I laugh at this and use my scepter to stop them right in their tracks.

"Hey, what are you guys doing? Get him!"

"We can't! We're stuck!"

"What?"

I lift the kids into the air and hurl them towards some of their buddies. The others don't seem to like this and chuck their version of potions at me which I'm pretty sure are just tiny jars of clamato juice.

They also throw some rubble and fake bats at me but every object stops within a few feet of me and revolves around me like planets orbiting a sun.

"Let's begin."

I blast all the objects orbiting around me back and instantly appear on the floor above me in front of a few vamp kids. I use my scepter to blast one down and block a strike from the other one before hitting her in the stomach with the flat end of my scepter, knocking the wind out of her.

I kicked her down to join her friend afterwards and used my flaming scythe to incinerate a few more projectiles that were thrown at me from the broken elevator. I hurl the scythe at it which cuts it in half and sends the vamp kids on it falling down with the bottom half.

I unleash power bind next and use it to grapple several unfortunate vamp kids while swinging up like Spiderman. I know the chains are meant to restrain people and stop them from charging attacks but they're a great offensive tool too.

I have the chains form a spider web of darkness suspended in air before creating more chains that I wrap around my own arms for an extra layer of offense and defense. I jump towards the web and the kids it snatched up and tear through it with one gigantic hit, sending bits of chain and screaming vamp kids tumbling down to the ground.

For my next trick, I channel several dark whispers and power binds into my scepter before throwing it up like a javelin. I have the attacks target everyone who isn't me and watch as all the other vamp kids start running for their lives from the smoke and chains that would chase them to the ends of the earth if I willed it. I love my scepter. Its name is Dragonsbane and it's the best weapon in the world.