𝑯𝒆𝒓 𝑷𝒐𝒔𝒔𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏 ( Rewritten )

Chapter 10 - Kaito

I think yesterday was the most relaxed I had been in a really really long time. Ivy definitely knew how to throw a date. I may have never been on one, but I think they all should have been like that. I'm not a dating expert, but I do have that guy feeling.

I really liked her surprise. I would be lying if I said anything else. With that being said, that's a lot since I absolutely hate surprises. You never know if it's a good surprise or not. You can probably guess that I've only had bad experiences with them. Sometimes, I get surprised by things I do, things others forced me to do.

Having a good experience was a surprise in itself. I wasn't really aware any surprise could be good.

I stepped out of my comfort zone. I let someone in. I told Ivy about me and let her in the socially distancing walls that I've put up since becoming rogue, and it was nice. I didn't really know how to feel about it or process it. How do you figure out if something is going to stay good or fall apart at the seams?

A memory of Ivy giggling at me with her hand on her mouth as she let out a little whine while encouraging me to continue with my response after I gave her a short one yesterday. The smile she was giving me was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It made me want to give her everything she's ever wanted plus some so I did what she asked.

I told her about me being alone for most of my life and not really thinking I could work with anyone romantically or in general until I found lacrosse. Working as a team helped me realize that it's easier to do things when you have others there to help. She was running her hands through my hair while I rested my head on her lap.

She asked if I had anything in life that I wanted to do other than lacrosse and that was a little harder to answer. I knew the answer was no, but I didn't know how to tell her that so I gently shrugged and responded with a basic 'I don't know.'

The rest of the picnic was enjoyable. Being open for the first time about who I was as a person was nice.

I knew I couldn't keep her in the dark about my past. She is my mate. I was still getting used to the word. Mate. Soulmate. I wasn't entirely understanding all the strings involved in having mates despite the conversation Ivy and I had previously, and that scared me because of all the memories I have that I wanted to forget and the anger that lingered with them.

I needed to stay cautious and alert. That's why I've always been so closed off. Having no friends means no emotional connections or leverage that others could have had against me.

I thought about my pack. Even though their deaths took place such a long time ago, the memory pretty much plays on replay in my head which includes me hurting my ankle, the screams of all my friends, and the fires that covered my home. I didn't have any memories of my pack other than their deaths. It's funny in a sad ironic way I guess.

Tony's violence, anger, emotional detachment, and trained immoral actions gave me a lot of fear as well. Tony could hurt her. She'd be scared of him. Of the both of us.

Tony is too strong for me to hold him back when he's being persistent, and when I can, it takes all of my energy. I know the second he comes out, he'll ruin the first bit of happiness I've had in years. I involuntarily let out a sigh.

"What's wrong?" Ivy asked with her soft melodic voice a frown and concern evident on her face.

"What?" I asked pretending, "Nothing." I tried pushing the conversation aside. I needed to protect her from the truth. From me.

"Look... I understand that we are still trying to get comfortable with this whole mate thing but I'm going to need you to trust me if this is going to work. I like you, and I want to make an effort in being with you." Her small hand was then enveloped in my larger one and I couldn't help by staring at it. Our hands fit together like puzzle pieces. It still surprises me how the feeling of fireworks lights up the surface of my skin every time we make contact.

The mate bond pulls as I heard her call it previously. "I know . . . I just can't. I can't tell you about it - or risk it" I mumbled before I stopped talking.

"I understand where your coming from, but you need to eventually tell me," she mumbled not pressuring me, but also letting me know.

I closed my eyes as I leaned my head back. I remembered leaving the rogues. Tony had surfaced and was angry at everyone. I don't remember the why, but II very vividly remember what happened. He killed everyone that was there. That was one of the worst things to ever see and feel yourself doing with no control over your actions. I couldn't control him. He overpowered me and that is a problem.

Being trained to hurt, kill, destroy things, and get violent he's not something you can easily hold back. I still should have done something. Stopped him somehow, but I couldn't and that's on me.

I take a deep breath and look back at Ivy. "I know, but I just can't right now." I didn't want to be judged or looked down on for what happened. I didn't want to be associated with who I was involved with or what I did.

"Well, let's not think about that and just spend some time together. We can just sit here silently. You can watch the tv while I finish up with some pack work?" She looked at me with a small smile complimenting her face. I nodded and returned her that smile. Sitting there on the comfortable couch, I waited until she came back with a small stack of papers and set them down on the coffee table. She put on her glasses and began to work.

And just sitting there, I was happy. I didn't know how long it would last so I decided to enjoy it.

(Rewritten on 4.9.2023)