Salvation [Kylo Ren Mafia AU]

Not Alone

*TW - brief thoughts of suicide

The moment I close my eyes, sitting on the bathroom floor, there is a gentle knock on the door. I keep my eyes shut, needing to rest them but the second they are closed for too long, I see Ana.

Another gentle knock, "Scarlett? It's Clyde. I followed behind the patrol car the whole way home but couldn't be too close in case he noticed. I came up here as quickly as I could."

I grunt as I try and pick the small gravel pieces out of my marred legs. It looks as if I tried shaving with a kitchen knife and then ground pebbles into the wound. I hiss as I try to pry a small pebble out of my ankle area with little success.

His voice is soft through the door, "Phasma should be here soon, Scarlett. So should the other men."

My stomach tightens, realizing they still aren't back. Where did they go? How can I face them? I ran from Ana lying there lifelessly. I left her behind and caused this whole mess. If I would have shut my fat mouth and played along with his games, she might still be alive.

"Would that make you feel better? Having them home?" His question is sincere, "Would them coming home help?"

I finally answer him because it is the only thing I can think about without losing my mind, "Yes."

Pride aside, I want my men... all of them. I need them to know what happened and what I am responsible for. I need them to help her. To go to her and not let her lie there alone any longer. Once they all find out what I did... they might leave me. They could kick me out of the family I joined only three months ago. If they hate me for what I caused and ran from, then I deserve every bit of sadness possible.

Clyde's voice sounds further away as if he is by my bed, "Ren, she's home but locked herself in the bathroom. Yes, sir. She's responding, but will not leave the room or open the door."

My body hurts, head to toe. Inside and out. When will the numbness kick in? I wish I had those drugs Vic gave me in the club. Those took any feeling and casted it out, shielding myself from myself. What if I took too many... What if Vicrul actually shot at me this time and didn't purposely miss... My head pounds with the thought of all of it.

I press the palms into my eyes as Clyde whispers, "I don't know, sir. Phasma is not here either. I rushed up the stairs to her floor the second I got home and only came across security. I was only a minute behind her."

Where are my men? I just need any reassurance possible right now. I'm spiraling in here.

Clyde sounds as if he is right outside the bathroom door again, "Okay, sir. You're on speaker."

My heart lurches as I hear Kylo's voice a little staticky on the phone, "Scarlett, baby? Can you come out and speak to me?"

I sit up, wanting to crawl to the door and open it, just hear him breathing into the phone.

His voice is softer this time, "Scarlett, angel. Talk to me. I want to hear your voice. Tell me you're okay."

This pit in my stomach thinks of the last time I spoke to him. I could have died tonight and the last thing I said to him was so bratty and childish. He deserves better than me.

Panic chokes my voice as I respond, "I'm okay." It's not a complete lie. I'm not lying dead in an apartment, alone, with my throat slit. I am okay in that sense. But in every other way? I'm far from okay.

Kylo sounds unlike himself as he answers, "Thank you, angel. Vic and I are minutes away, okay?"

That grabs my attention. He's minutes away? Relief floods my aching limbs before the tears line my eyes, cascading down my already puffy cheeks. He is minutes away. Minutes away from deciding whether I am worthy of this family or not. When he finds out what I said, what I gave away, what I caused... He might hate me. That soft look in Vicrul's eyes may forever fade into those hateful slits he once had for me. Ap'lek might wish I had run away that day and never came back. Ushar would find his time wasted getting to know me. Trudgen would never comfort me again. Kuruk would no longer be the gentle giant I need every so often. Cardo would no longer want to share his laughter between our moments. Kylo could find me repulsive, leaving behind a friend... something he would never dare do, alive or dead.