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Seoul felt different in the few weeks after the camping trip. City life spinning around you, leaving you dizzy, as you went to work, then went home. Only to start again the next day, avoiding your friends, avoiding your parents. Tattooing felt different, too, and you often found yourself getting lost in the lines you drew.
You thought of Soobin a lot, in the weeks that followed the camping trip. From the moment Jungkook had dropped you at your place, begging you not to end things one last time. You hadn't budged from your decision, and he had left, slipping away from your life as if he had never been there.
You had known, when he had said it, that he was right. That it indeed was about Soobin. About the guilt you had for falling in love with someone else, when he was never going to fall in love again. But it had also been about the fact that you had been a rebound, for Jungkook. Someone to use while he was trying to forget Sena.
You were selfish, inherently so, to try to put the blame on him. But it was the only thing keeping you going, and so you did it. Found reasons to hate him more every day, to hate the ways his galaxies had felt like home, to hate the night sky and Jungkook's gentle touches. To hate the way he had laughed with you, smiled his bunny smile to you. To hate how you had explored his worlds, imagining they were unspoiled, when she had been there before.
One thing you didn't regret about the whole ordeal was the tattoo on the inside of your arm. The celestial body that you had permanently inked into you. It, and its slightly crooked line, where Jungkook had drawn it on your skin.
It was your favourite tattoo now. Because it wasn't perfect, and it told a different story. A new one, that reminded you that life hadn't stopped when Soobin had died.
That there was a whole life outside still, and that you could be a part of it now too.
You were always going to be thankful to Jungkook for that. For reminding you that there was more out there, even if you had refused to let yourself experience it for so long. But it had been red with flags, your relationship with Jungkook. From the very first time. From the moment he had refused to tell you his story.
Maybe you would have understood better, had he told you about Sena. Had he not kept her a secret, even after you had been made aware of her existence. Maybe you would have wanted to listen to him, at the end, if it hadn't been for that.
But you were at peace with your decision. It would take a little longer before you let anyone in, but getting your heart broken by Jeon Jungkook had woken you up from a deep slumber.
You would let yourself live again, now. Soobin would want it. But it didn't matter what Soobin wanted. Didn't matter anymore. What mattered was what you wanted, and you wanted to experience it all. To have the butterflies of the beginning of a relationship again, to fight only to make up, to sleep and wake up with your head on someone's chest. To listen to the beat of their heart and tell yourself it belonged to you.
