The Fling

64

Days passed with Shawn only communicating with me via text. I'd promised him space, but the distance between us felt wider than the Pacific Ocean. For my family's sake, I put on a happy face when they were home, but during the day when I was alone, I moped around the house feeling sorry for myself and resentful of Bert for putting me in this situation. It didn't help that both Hannah or Bertie asked about my boyfriend every single day. This was what prompted me to call him on Friday morning.

"Hey, honey," he said when he answered. "What's up?"

Hearing him call me honey broke me. "I really miss you and maybe you aren't missing me the same way, but I'm struggling with all this. Plus the kids want to see you, and I'm pretty sure they're aware that something's wrong." I sounded needy and pathetic, but at least I was being open with him, which wasn't always easy for me.

"Of course I miss you! I miss the kids, too."

"Can you come over and I'll make us some lunch? That way you can be here to see the kids after school."

He was silent for a few seconds. "I can't do that, Abigail. Being in your house while Bert's living there isn't good for me. It makes my anxiety spike and puts ugly thoughts in my head."

"So you're not going to see the kids at all until he leaves?"

More silence. Finally he said, "Do you and the kids have plans tomorrow night? You could come here for dinner and a Christmas movie."

This suggestion elevated my mood instantly. "We'd love that. Can I bring dinner?"

"No need. I can order pizza."

"We've had pizza or fast food a lot lately, but I guess one more night wouldn't hurt," I replied.

"Scratch the pizza idea. I'll get take-out that will include veggies. How's that sound?"

"It sounds like you're the most considerate boyfriend in the world."

He chuckled. "I don't think picking up a healthy dinner is going above and beyond, but I appreciate the compliment. Does six o'clock work?"

"That's perfect. Is there any chance we can see each other before then? I could really use a hug from you." After those couple seconds of productive conversation, we went back to the painful silence on his end. "Never mind," I said. "I am being pushy."

A sigh sounded through the phone. "I'm meeting some friends for lunch today, and then tonight I am online gaming with the guys back home. I want a hug, too, but I thinks it's best if we wait until tomorrow."

The fact that he was only willing to see me when my kids were involved sent a pretty definite message. "I guess we are officially on a break."

"Did I not make that clear on Monday?"

"I thought we were going to discuss it more after you calmed down."

"There's not much to discuss," he stated. "Until Bert's gone, I don't think I can have the same relationship with you. Having him live in your house has shifted the entire balance of what we had."

I got up and went to the kitchen for a second cup of coffee. "He's in the process of finding an apartment. He plans on touring a couple units this weekend and has sworn he'll sign a lease if he finds something livable and affordable. I wish you could meet me halfway on this."

"There is no halfway. Maybe it's my messed up brain, but for me it's all or nothing. I also seriously question whether he's going to think anything is up to his standards. Why would he? He's got the best of all worlds right now; he's living for free in a house he seems to believe is rightfully his with his beautiful ex-wife and three kids. I swear he has ulterior motives, and I guarantee at some point he's going to apologize for his past sins because that's step one to win you back."

I inhaled sharply. "He actually did apologize last Saturday."

"Why didn't you tell me this earlier?" I could hear the tension in his voice.

"Because he's the source of our problems and I knew it would set you off!"

"Jesus Christ, Abigail...this is exactly why we need this break. He's fucking poisoning us."

"Or maybe you are letting him get under your skin!" I said hotly. "Nothing has changed on my end. I love you the same as I always have, and I want to spend time with you. In fact, right now is when I need you the most because my life has been turned upside down!"

"Then kick him out and we can go back to normal!" he shouted.

I choked back a sob. "You're withholding your love from me to get me to do something I don't feel I can do. This isn't who I thought you were, Shawn. If your ex came to you desperate for help, I'd never condemn you for following your conscience and aiding her in whatever way you felt was necessary."

He scoffed. "Bullshit! You'd feel exactly the way I do if she moved into my house!"

"If it was temporary and you promised me it was platonic, I'm pretty certain I could handle it. I wouldn't like it, but I would never punish you for being kind to a person you have a long history with."

"You're apparently a much better person than me," he said snidely.

"No, but maybe this kind of thing comes with age, and it doesn't hurt that I was cheated on."

"I don't get why that would make you less jealous instead of more so."

I took second to collect my thoughts so I could explain. "It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but basically I now understand that if someone is going to be unfaithful to me, it's out of my hands. There was nothing I could have done better to prevent Bert from having an affair. It wasn't about me; it was all him. So if you want to be with your ex, or anyone else for that matter, you'll find a way to do it whether you're living under the same roof or meeting up for coffee or texting each other or whatever. All I can do on my end is trust you. You've never done anything to make me suspicious, so if she needed to stay in your guest room for awhile, I'd have to accept it and have faith in our love. Plus, if you didn't love me enough to keep it non-sexual, then it's better to find out sooner rather than later."

"Well this is great. Now you've turned it around so that I'm an asshole for not trusting you."

"You aren't an asshole, Shawn," I said softly, "but it does hurt that you don't have more faith in me. Look at our tattoos as an example. It doesn't bother me at all that you have several connected to your ex-girlfriend, but on Monday you made a comment about mine needing to get fixed soon. Yours don't bother me because they represent your past. You shouldn't care that I still have mine, because when I say that I don't want Bert and that nothing would ever happen between me and him, you need to believe me."

Shawn let out a sigh, and I was certain he was running a hand through his hair because I knew his mannerisms so well. "You're right, honey. I do need to trust you. Let me say something about your tattoo, though. If you were happy with having it, I'd never say anything. I get this better than most people, because like you said, I have a several that represent past relationships. The only reason I've ever mentioned it is because you told me when we met that you want to change it. I may have been petty about it the other day, but that's because I'm feeling hostile towards Bert. I'm sorry I let my insecurities cloud everything, but I can't be in your house while he's living there. I wish I could get past this, but I can't."

"Okay. I get why his presence is problematic. I'm fine with not hanging out here as long as we can still see each other outside of my home. You're leaving soon to spend ten days in Canada, and I'd like some time with you before you go."

"We made plans for tomorrow."

He was missing my point. "I love that we're doing something with the kids, but can we find time for just us this weekend? We don't have to fool around, but I need to be alone with the man I love."

He hesitated a few moments. "Let's see how tomorrow night goes and decide after that. If I discover that I can relax with you when we're not in your house, then yeah, there's no reason not to spend time together."