The Fling

68

"Spill it," my mother said as she set a mug of hot herbal tea in front of me. We were sitting at the kitchen table of my family home in Pickering while snow swirled outside the window. Normally I'd drink coffee, but after two cups at LAX, another on the plane, and then a huge Americano after I landed, I was overly-caffeinated.

"It started when Abigail's ex-husband made a really stupid investment and basically lost all his and his parents' money." I went on to explain this in greater detail as my mum listened, concluding the anecdote with Bert moving in with my girlfriend and their children.

"So you're on a break because you don't like that he's living in the same house as Abigail?"

"It's been a huge issue for me because I hate that guy, but rationally, I understand why she'd let him move back in temporarily. Her kids are her priority and showing kindness towards their father is important to her. Plus they have a long history and she still cares about his welfare. For a split second, it seemed like we'd found a compromise where we'd get together outside her house while he was living there, but then things completely fell apart two days ago- right before you called me."

"Why did it fall apart?" she asked.

I told her about our hiking date and how Bert called after the tree fell over. "You don't need to tell me that I overreacted, because I know that already."

"I admire your self-awareness, but you're human and sometimes you are going to let your emotions take over. Was Abigail mad that you responded the way you did?"

I let out a long sigh. "Not really. It obviously distressed her, but she was patient with me and let me vent about why I was so upset. That's when it came out."

My mum had her cup halfway to her mouth but set it back down without taking a sip. "What came out?"

"The root of my hostility towards Bert. I told you yesterday that we are on a break and that I need to decide about the baby issue. This is why. I was ranting about hating him, and I blurted out that he had everything I wanted- he married her and they created a family. Abigail realized that I resented Bert for fathering the children I'd never have with her, and she suggested the break so that I can work through this."

"A break is pretty drastic. Did it upset you that she jumped to that so quickly?"

"I suggested one when Bert moved in," I shared, "so she was agreeing to an idea that had already been tossed around. But yeah, it did upset me once it sunk in. I don't even know what a break technically is or how long it's going to last. She texted that we need to pause all communication for a while, and that's added to how shitty I feel. I can't stand the thought of not talking to her. I keep checking my phone and fighting the urge not to call. I miss her so much that it physically hurts!"

"Hm."

"What's that mean?"

My mum raised an eyebrow. "It means that you're deeply in love and maybe that's the answer you are supposed to be looking for."

Leaning back in the chair, I gave this some thought. As I considered my reply, I looked around the kitchen and was comforted by the familiarity. I'd grown up in this house, and I knew that being here could help me with this dilemma. "There's a lot more to it than just love. I need to decide if I can be happy not having a child of my own."

"That's a huge thing to have to decide at twenty-five, Shawn. I'm not sure I knew how I felt about having children at your age, and I certainly didn't know if not having a baby would have been a dealbreaker with your father."

"What are you saying? That this break is stupid and I should just wait until I know?" I questioned with a hint of frustration.

"I'm not saying that at all. Quite honestly, it is better if you figure this out sooner rather than later. The longer you and Abigail stay together, the harder it will be to end things if you do decide you want a baby."