The Fling

86

The love of my life was sitting in the seat next to me bawling her pretty blue eyes out and there was not much I could do since I was driving. I saw an exit sign for Beaumont, so I took it and pulled into a parking spot at an old Chevron station. "Talk to me, honey," I implored as I leaned over and wrapped my arms around her heaving body.

"I w-wasn't expecting that answer and I'm k-kind of thrown for a l-loop," Abigail stammered through her sobs.

I didn't really understand this. There were two options: either I was staying with her or I wasn't. I'd told her how much I loved her at least a hundred times over the past week, so even with the things I'd said or done that pointed in the other direction, she must have considered the possibility of me choosing to be with her. I held my girlfriend, letting my answer sink in for her, while I attempted to process her reaction. When I played this scenario out in my head, Abigail shrieked with joy and was excited to know we'd be together. I got that her tears were from relief and happiness, but that didn't change that she was crying instead of kissing me.

"I'm sorry," she whispered after a few minutes. "It's been a really hard couple of months, and I was so focused on preparing myself for the worst that I never really considered that the best might happen."

"You are happy, aren't you?" This question showed my vulnerability, but if we were in this together forever, that was how I should be.

"Yes, but I'm confused, too. Can you please tell me where your head is at and how you got to this decision?"

"It's very simple, honey. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want us to get married, the sooner the better." I had not planned on bringing up marriage during this talk, but now that we were in the thick of it, it felt right to explain where I saw us going. It's not like this was coming out of the blue; we'd touched on the possibility of a formal commitment before.

"You're...proposing?" she asked with obvious surprise.

"Sort of, but I have plans to do it a little more romantically later," I replied with a chuckle. I couldn't see myself getting down on one knee and presenting her with a diamond, but I'd been floating the idea of a getaway to Paris, Porto, or London and popping the question after a day spent touring one of the world's most beautiful cities. I wanted the ring to be unique, just like our relationship, and it needed to be ethically sourced. I'd modeled for a jewelry-maker, so I knew I could get something custom-made. "I know it's early, but why wait? In the meantime, this conversation is about giving you my answer."

"When I fantasized about what our future looked like, I never really let myself get that far ahead. Maybe it's because I was burned before, or maybe it's because I hate being disappointed."

"I can't promise that I'll never hurt or disappoint you, but I will devote the rest of my life to trying to be the husband you deserve. I want to love you, spoil you, support you, watch you with pride as you take off as a writer, and be part of your family." As I said these words, my voice caught.

"I love you so much and want this, too, but are you sure?" she questioned.

"I'm sure. I wouldn't have given my answer if I wasn't."

Abigail clutched my hand. "This means you'll never have a child of your own. You're okay with that?"

I knew she'd bring this up, but that didn't prevent a knot forming in my stomach. "My love for you outweighs my need to have children." Ultimately, my decision came down to picking Abigail, a living breathing person who I wanted to be with forever or a hypothetical child that I didn't currently feel a strong urge to create. I was definitely giving something up either way, but I knew my heart, and it said to hold on to the woman I loved.