DEAR OOSUN

Chapter 17

in my dream I come home to you and

you come home to me and for a split second

every hardship I ever endured has meaning.

-Wolfsena

SUNOO'S POV

It's 3 am and I wish I haven't woken up because now I cannot fall back to sleep. I looked around my surrounding and I saw Niki sleeping peacefully beside me. Maybe we both fall asleep while watching that movie.

I kept tossing and turning in his bed but I was unable to fall asleep. So I looked around for my phone and I found it on his nightstand.

There were missed calls from my father and few messages from home and old friends. I ignored them like always.

Then I saw my mother online. I saw her typing something to me. I waited for her text. But she keeps erasing them. So I kept my phone on the pillow and tried sleeping again.

When I was about to fall sleep, I heard my phone vibrating.

"Hello, Are you up?" My mother said as soon as I picked up her call.

"Yes, I am." I said and I heard her taking deep breath.

There was long silence from her side and that was making me anxious.

"Are you ok?" I said after patiently waiting for her to speak, but she was not saying anything.

"Why are you up at this hour?" I asked her and I heard her whimpering.

"Mother, you are scaring me." I said quietly.

"Your grandmother ." She said and she was not able to continue... But as soon as I heard the word grandmother, I felt like I was on fire. I was having difficulty to breath, my fingers were trembling and I was not myself.

So I stumbled out from Niki's bed and went to washroom.

"Your grandmother passed away on Monday. She was not doing well since last month. She was diagnosed with chronic obstructive pulmonary diseases. We took her to hospital and she was there for more than a month. She was not able to breath by herself and kept breathing with the help of a ventilator."

"She waited for you....." My mother said and I felt like I was the worst person in this entire world.

"Why... didn't you tell me? I asked her.

I was not able to reach my grandmother's cellphone this past month. Her number was my one and only speed dial. I used to call her everyday before this month.

She loved watching me on the TV and even her phone's ringtone is our song. I loved talking to her. We used to talk for hours. She used to tell me about her friends, farm, about the town. I used to tell her about my members and foods. She was my solace. She has this power to make my worst days better.

When I was not able to reach her, my parents told me that her phone was lost. I told them to give me her new number but they kept making excuses.

"I wanted you to finish your comeback promotion well. I thought you will get distracted if you learned about your grandma's illness as you are very sensitive. " Her voice was strong and hard to shake. She again made me felt like it was my fault. My situation and it's consequences.

"Why do you keep doing this to me? why do you keep making me feel so worthless?" I mumbled.

"I did it to protect you." She said instantly in her strong voice and I hanged up not being able to hear her voice anymore.

I stood under the cold shower for half hours. I banged my head on the wall and I kept searching for a sharp objects to numb all my emotions but there was not a single objects in my sight.

It looks like he hide all those objects from me. He used to own scented candles but it was not there as well.

Out of frustration I packed all my belongings from cupboard as quietly was possible and went to his side to look at him one last time. . He looks so soft when he is asleep.

He was my biggest adjustment after coming here. I don't talk a lot, but with him I could never run out of words. Conversation was easy with him. Little by little, I became a new person because of him.

I was warmest when I was building a memory with him.

I wish a lot whenever I see him. I wish for a different circumstances. The one where I am capable of choosing and loving him to my heart's content. But now as I am trapped with my own dilemmas in life and I don't want to pull him in my misery.

I watched him for the longest time and I felt like I loved him far longer than I should. I witnessed how his eyes gets bright whenever he is talking with his family, the furrow between his eyes whenever he is focused on something, his inarticulate words whenever he tries to confront something to me.

I remember his eyes when I saw him for the first time and when he grew in love.

This is the last time I will let myself watch him for a bit longer. Because sooner or later, I will no longer hold any value to him. I will run out of stories to tell because I will not be there to keep up with his new found hobbies, friends and songs.

My memories of him will dull at every moment spent apart.

So, this is it. This is me giving my final goodbye as I promised him.

I called a cab and went out of dorm without telling anyone. I watched the darkness take over the world while the moon smiles at me.

The night was soft, there was no loud conversation from the neighbors outside. Even the driver didn't bothered speaking to me. Maybe he saw my red eyes and tears.

I saw fireflies chasing each other amidst the nothingness surrounding them. I would have adored such night but today all I wanted to do was to numb all my feelings.

I bawled my eyes out in the backseat of a stranger's car and I saw him looking at me through the mirror. I kept pinching myself on my thighs, on the back of my hand to control my emotions.

"Where do you want me to take you?" the driver asked in a soft voice after seeing me not crying.

"Gyeonggi- do..." I said instantly.

"I don't usually do long distance. But I will take you to your destination today." He said and gave me a small smile.

"Thank you. " I mumbled.

"Are you going there to meet your parents?" He asked trying his best to lift up the mood in the car.

"No, my grandmother lives there." I said while choking on my tears.

A/N : I am sorry for being late to update. I am occupied with lots of things.

But this is my solace and you people are my midnights.

keep reading, keep commenting, keep motivating..... < 3.