DEAR OOSUN

Chapter 20

I fear that sometime in the future

I will be on the outskirts of your life

with pieces of the things I once knew about you

watching you from a great distance

as the memories I hold grow stale

and the sound of your voice

gently, slowly, painfully

dissipates.

NIKI'S POV

Today is 2nd December, just one week away from my birthday and it's about to be a year now since his disappearance. Not a single new news about his location. Not a single picture. Everyone is silent. No one really mentions him in my presence. Maybe they are scared about my reactions, maybe they want me to forget him slowly.

No one knows these but every Wednesday I disguise myself to travel by public transportation system without anyone by myside as I remember him taking me on such adventure before his disappearance and I recall his happy face. He was full of smile that day.

He likes watching people reading on public trains in Wednesday as it is less crowded. Even though he is not a people person but he loves observing others. That day was one of those rare days where he was happy whole day. He kept talking without losing his innocent eye smile. Now I tried to travel the same path. I tried to be a watcher too. I tired my best to see world through his eyes.

Sometimes I feel like I will see him in a crowded station. So every time I wait for the train, I try to look for him in the faces of people waiting with me, but the fear of seeing him in the middle of searching always lingers. Because of the possibility of him ignoring me, not even battling an eye when he catch a glimpse of my hair, or seeing him with someone new scares me.

I am afraid that I see him, I will never look away. I am afraid that the sun will go down and I will miss every passing train.

His voice is slowly fading from my mind and I could no longer recall how it feels to be touched by his fingertips, I couldn't even fully visualize his face unless I took some time looking at his photographs. That's how long he has been gone.

Sometimes I asked myself if he was real, if he really was here in my life. Because all the memories rooting in my brain with him feels like a dream.

There are days when I wish I could think of hundred of faults in him with each unexpected relapse, so there would be no room for longing. I wish I could only care about how busy the streets are on Sundays or speeding cars passing on the skyway and not about all the love I could have given if he was here.

I can't brush off the thought of him after reading his journals. It feels like I have watched him growing up and it pains me knowing that majority of the pages contain only tear jerking feelings. Only few pages mentions some happy memories.

His parents were hardly there for him. His mother always compare him to other prodigy students and his father always seems disappointed at his likings. There was not a single page of them spending good times together. If there was any good times, it was only with his sister.

171222

Sunoo,

I know I have not been the best mom these past few months. I was in dark phase and your existence kept reminding me of all the possibilities. What ifs and maybes made me despise you. I am so sorry for not making any food and for always ignoring you whenever you tried approaching me. I will try to be happier and make things not so hard for you.