Behind the Facade// DDLC FANFIC

The White Walls

TW: intense angst, emotions, mentions of self harm and implied self harm, depression, abuse, ptsd.
short chapter! when you see the next chapter you'll understand

SAYORIS POV

I imagine running into a grassy field, covered in flowers, just to feel a seering knife go straight into my heart. To turn around, and the love of my life has stabbed it right through me. This is the shortened story of my current life..
Or my general life. Everybody I've loved never stayed around enough to save me from this current moment, especially when the people I love are the ones leading me into this pit of lava.

I stare at the sterile white walls. I wished I died. And I hope they aren't dumb enough to let me go. Cause I know deep down I would try it again. I laid in agony as my heart pounded quicker then the words in my head went through.  I close my eyes, just to see piercing green eyes fill the darkness. "Hello." I heard her voice echo in my head. I opened my eyes, to stare around at the concerned faces of me. I quickly assured them I was fine.
The whiteness of these walls were getting to me. They reminded me of the white walls of my old house. Which were soon going to be covered in my own blood. It was a mistake, I cut too deep when I was a bit younger and fell too the wall in shock. My mom never noticed, since it wasn't the only blood stain there. I wanted to punch these walls until it collapse to the ground, but realise it isn't "home."

I listened endlessly as a doctor came in and rambled about suicide and it's affect to my family and friends. My friends are dead, and my only "friend" is planning on my own death. So, there isn't really anybody to feel bad for, or who'd feel bad about me dying. He brought up my mom and I immediately stopped taking him seriously. I just waited until they took me into some psychiatric hospital where I'd have to stay for a few days or a week. I'd have to answer some slight questions beforehand. They weren't slight.

"Why did you try to kill yourself?"
I stayed silent.

"When did you start self harm?"
"7. Small scratches with a razor blade in my cabinet."

"Are you in a suitable household?"
"My father is dead, and I don't talk to or live with my mother."

"Why don't you speak with your mom?"
"She abused me. I tried to kill myself over her when I was 10, but all it did was bring me here. I decided to kill myself less then a year later, failed, tried when I was 13,14, then was ultimately put in a mental facility for a year. when I was 16 I "accidentally" overdosed so I wouldn't come to another facility again. and 2 years later I'm here."

"Are you willing to take a depression and PTSD test?"
"Wait, what??-"

I was put into a room with another girl.  It was dingy and small. It was atleast a nice blue color, light.  She stared at me with sharp, bitter eyes whilst I was going in. I was pushed into my bed and I tried to run out before the closed the doors, only to hear the echo of the door shutting loudly. "There's not a use. A cigarette?" She smiled. She had evil, dark eyes and extremely dark brown hair. I stared at her in disgust as her cigarette filled the air and I started coughing. "Shush, they'll suspect something. Smoke something, please~"

"What's your name..I won't smoke something from a complete stranger-"
"Akiya." She began saying curses in Japanese before flicking the cigarette to the floor.

"Won't they see-" She quickly tried to stomp on it but I leaned forward out of reflex. I started panting heavily as she slowly tilted her head to me. I tried to put the cigarette to my wrist since it was still really hot, but she reached to me and tried to take it. "They do body checks you idiot, just give me the damn cigarette!" She whispers, but it's loud in a way. She snatches it and shoves it into my mouth and lights the end. The smoke goes in when I accidentally breathe in and I cough heavily. I start crying because of how sore my throat is, and her smile becomes menacing. "I knew you'd like it. Now, let's go get something to eat." She grin evilly, whilst pointing to the clock infront of me. It was pointing to Lunch and I sighed.

The lunches were small and flavourless. I had barely salted chicken and less then 20 soggy and rock hard chips with egg mayo that was more egg then any other flavouring or taste that was meant to be in it. I nearly threw up half way, and I realised how dumb my hospital was to let me out without letting me fully recover before going.  By the eerie atmosphere of the other faces of everybody around here, I could tell we were gonna have a "fun" time here.
The days went past, and I watched my weight drop as I started starving myself as I couldn't stand digesting food. The nurses became worried and began giving me small sandwiches so I wouldn't die, and because, I had the feeling they cared for me. I got piles of mail all saying alot of horrible threats to me. All from Monika, but in me and her secret language we made with the others. Me and Akiya burnt the mails up as we smoked in our room. It was fun befriending every one in my facility, but one day, we had the most fun ever water fights and all the good shit. 

Soon enough, I realised it was my week over, and time to go. I infact did NOT get better, yet worse. I came back with a diagnosis of PTSD and Depression, and I was prescribed with antidepressants. It slowly lead me to a spiral when I went back to my home silently, trying not to attract any trouble. But the urges slowly came back, when my house was covered in white walls.