I still want it all with you

I can't do it

 "Alex..." Emma said on a spring evening, while they were sipping a glass of wine in their backyard, lazily laying on the pool chairs holding hands. Alex turned her head to look at her, there was something in her tone that threw Alex off. She knew Emma was drastically changing the topic, there was no way she was using that serious tone to continue with the conversation about new linens that they were having previously. She was almost scared to ask.

Emma wasn't looking at her, she was looking at the stars, and Alex saw how a stray tear came down her cheek. Alex's brain went on overdrive, what was happening?, she immediately put down her glass and was kneeling down next to Emma's chair.

"Honey, what is it?" she asked, searching for Emma's eyes. Emma cleaned her cheek and gave Alex a sad smile.

"I don't think I can do it" she said, shaking her head. Alex understood then, she sat down in the same lounge chair and pulled Emma to her, hugging her sideways and giving her a kiss on the head. Alex thought about that often as well, since the day Emma had brought the baby topic up, Alex was in constant anxiety, it is not that she didn't want a baby, oh god she did want a baby with Emma, she could picture a little baby with Emma's eyes and smile, but whenever she thought about it, she also thought about the loss, about the grief and - "I don't think I can go through that again, I will break me if something were to happen"

"I understand, love. I don't want you to go through that again either, but baby there is nothing wrong with you, you are perfect, the doctor said it sometimes happens without an apparent reason" she said looking her in the eyes. "But, if you don't want to do it, that's perfectly ok as well. Ok?" Emma nodded, she had thought about this for months, and every time she came to the same conclusion, she wanted to have a child, but she wasn't ready to do it herself, and she feared she will never ever be ready. Was she a coward? She certainly felt like one.

"Listen love, we can wait, we can adopt, we can hire a surrogate, there are different ways to be parents. And I want us to be mothers, if that is what you still want?" Emma's eyes were glossy now, she nodded and sniffed and let her head fall into Alex's shoulder.

"I wanted nothing more than to feel our baby moving inside my belly, you know?" she said when she finally was able to diminish the ball on her throat and was able to speak again. "But I think you are right, there are different ways to be parents"

<>

"But..." said Lily while looking wide-eyed at her mother.

"I know baby, we are not at the end of the story yet, it will all make sense I promise. But now we have to go home, it's getting dark and chilly" she said standing up and dusting off her pants, she could see that Lily was hesitant. "We will continue tomorrow, I promise, now we have to go home and make supper, you must be hungry, right?"

"But... I don't want to go home, I miss her"

"I know baby, me too" she said, helping her daughter stand up and picking up their belongings.

Her mom made Lily her favorite, mac and cheese with hot dogs, onions and ketchup, she was trying desperately to cheer her up. But her kid was persistent, she wanted to hear the rest of the story and she could barely wait, so the very next morning, Lily woke up and went straight to her mom's bedroom.

"Mom, wake up, it's morning, you promised" she said coming closer to her mother and shaking her awake.

"Ok, ok, I'm awake now" She said, extending her arm to the empty side of the bed, she did that every morning, it was a reflex, she knew she wasn't there but even then, she couldn't help the disappointment that she felt every morning. "Good morning how did you sleep?" she said bringing her daughter's little body to her own, she hugged her tight, she loved her so much. She buried her nose in her daughter's hair, it reminded her of her smell.