Not made for me - Minsung

Chapter 8

TW

Jisung woke up with pure disgust in his mind.

He thought that bringing Minho here would make him feel better, but now he's just purely confused on why he asked him to come, on why he continued to see him. It was way out of his control, he wanted to be around him but he couldn't understand why, it made him feel sick. Jisung never depended on anyone, he knew it wasn't for him

He woke up with the urge of sobbing. With a deep pain in his stomach, as if someone was in there, scartching from the inside.

He got up, running to take his pills, and gulped them in one go, praying for the pills to do their work and control the voices.

But he was more than unstable, he sat down on the floor and brought his knees to his chest, remembering the day before as Chan screamed at him.

"You're a useless piece of shit Han Jisung" They said

"Why do you look like that" His mother said, shaking her head

"No one would ever love you" His father said, as he was constantly pushing him to his room

"The only thing you deserve is pain" His father said as he punched him repeatedly

"It's okay my child, not everyone deserves happiness. You don't." His mother said as she hugged him and caressed his back.

"Love is not made for you"

He wanted to throw up.

The flashbacks, the voices, they were surrounding him. Almost taking all the breath out of his lungs.

Years and years of abuse were flashing through his mind in a few seconds, and all the pain that came with. The pain seemed so real, as if every punch could be felt at the moment, even though it happened years ago.

He stood up shakily, going to his bathroom to put some water on his face, hoping it would calm his nerves. But as he looked at himself in the mirror, he could see his two parents, just behind him. They were laughing, and telling him how they hated him.

He put the towel that was beside him on the mirror, again, trying to stop them from hurting him, trying to stop himself from harming himself.

He went back to his room, finding his phone back. He looked at it and he saw how many people were texting him, most of them being former hook ups, asking him to do it again. He ignored them, he didn't want any of them, he wanted them to leave him alone. He sighed as he opened Minho's contact, the guy had sent him a few messages

Minho

I just left, I closed the door well, but tell me if you need anything

2:00

Hey, are you okay?

9:00

Yeah, everything's alright

10:12

sorry

you didn't answer yesterday

just wanted to check up on you

10:13

don't worry, thank you minho

have a good day

you too

He sighed.

Why was he so caring?

It's annoying.

He threw his phone on his bed as he wanted to take a hot shower, maybe it would burn his thoughts. It didn't. He slowly gathered his things and dressed, putting a random hoodie, he didn't care right now.

A few hours later, Jisung was at the studio, working hard on the new song they were making.

That morning, Chan had brought cheesecake for Jisung, an apologetic smile on his face and Jisung engulfed him in a hug, showing him that it didn't matter. Chan almost cried, he was so scared from triggering Jisung.

If there was something Chan hated more than anything, it was hurting his friends, and mostly Jisung. Jisung was fragile, he could deny it, but Chan knew, he read him like an open book.

He had been in a complete transe, his headphones on his head to keep him in his own world and his fingers writing endlessly the lyrics. There was nothing that soothed him more than doing what he loved.

Chan tapped his shoulder, trying to catch his attention, which he did. Jisung looked at him and took his headphones out, watching Chan.

"Can I take a look at the lyrics?" Chan asked, and Jisung gulped. He was scared to disappoint the older. He turned his laptop, showing it to the older.

Chan looked at it thoroughly, not letting any of his expression show what he felt about them. Jisung stared at him, his anxiety rising.

"Jisung!" Chan exclaimed as he looked at him

"Yeah...?" Jisung asked, scared of what he would say

"They are amazing, so beautiful" Chan said, a big and sincere smile appearing on his face "They go so well with the soundtrack!" He added, as he put the soundtrack on, muttering the lyrics to show it to Jisung.

"I really like it" Changbin said, bobbing his head to the sound.

What the two boys saw, was a smiling Jisung, who cockily said "of course it's amazing, I made it"

What they didn't saw, was Jisung's mind, who was saying 'They're lying and you know it', 'Nothing that you make would ever please anyone'

That was his constant way of living.

Everyday, he was living through a deep and hard fakeness, his mind always contradicting what his mouth said.

What he always heard, was the constant voice of nagging, of insults, of pain, running on loop.